cards of the duelist

puting sumbrero

2012-02-01T19:49:00.002+08:00

huwag ka na sad diyan. tara libot tayo. may gusto kang bilhin? paanyaya ni bf.

ayaw ko sanang maglibot dahil tinatamad akong gumalaw pero nahatak niya ako. mahilig kasing tumingin ng damit si bf. ako naman walang sipag sa window shopping. titingin lang ako pag bibili na talaga ako. simula noong maging kami, naappreciate ko na rin ang pagtingin ng mga damit.

huwag tayo dito. mahal dito. nagmumukha akong pulubi.

ang problema lang ay sa mamahaling shops tumitingin at bumibili ng damit si bf.

okay lang yan. pag may nagustuhan ka bilhin natin.

ayaw kong may magustuhan ako. ayaw kong gumapang para lang sa isang polo o pantalon na apat o limang beses ang presyo kumpara sa mga damit na meron ako. hindi ko alam pero hindi talaga ako partikular sa tatak ng mga damit.

ako naman ang bahala. promise CASH ang ipambabayad ko.

tinitigan ko siya ng matagal. gumanti na lang siya ng ngiti. binigyan niya talaga ng diin ang salitang cash. may kuwento kasi iyan.

ilang taon bago pa kami nagkakilala ni bf, nagkaroon siya ng problema sa kanyang credit card. napakadaling magswipe para sa kanya. masyado siyang nawili sa pagswipe nito kaya naging gabundok ang kanyang babayaran. may mga pagkakataon na isangdaan piso lang ang kanyang pera pero kung saan-saan siya nakakapunta at kung anu-ano ang nabibili niya.

kung napanood niyo yung confessions of a shopaholic na kinakausap na yung bida nung mannequin para bilhin yung scarf, ganun daw ang naranasan niya. parang kinakausap na siya ng mga damit. "bilhin mo ako" sabi sa kanya ng mga ito. ayun swipe at swipe pa.

pero kahit nagkabaon-baon siya sa utang hindi umabot sa punto na pinagtataguan na niya yung banko salamat sa mga magulang niya. may-kaya kasi ang pamilya ni bf.

wala akong gusto dito. sagot ko sa kanya.

sigurado ka? edi sa next shop na tayo.

natapos kami sa paglilibot nang walang nabibili. okay lang kasi hindi siya napagastos. ayaw ko rin naman na gumastos siya para sa akin. puwedeng hati kami o kaya salitan sa paggastos. ako ngayon tapos next time siya naman. sa kanya ang main course, akin ang dessert at kape.

tara kain tayo.

saan naman?

sa pareho nating gusto.

alam naming dalawa na marami kaming pagkakaiba pero isa ito sa pinagkasunduan namin.

image from here.

Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You Mp3
Musicaddict.com

08.05.11

2012-02-01T06:35:00.001+08:00

hindi ka pa ba ready na any moment puwedeng iwan na kayo ng tita mo? tanong sa akin ni bf.

lagpas ala-una ng madaling araw noon; nakaupo ako sa labas ng isang sikat na kapihan sa cubao. mahigit kalahati na ang naiinom ko sa aking mainit na inumin. hindi ko alam ang takbo ng aking isipan. mas malubha pa ito sa long exam sa calculus o analytical chemistry. ano ba ang dapat kong isipin? ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman? manhid na ba ako? ah basta. hindi ko alam. nakatanaw lamang ako sa mga poste ng ilaw habang naghihintay sa kuya ko at sa girlfriend niya.

wala pang isang oras ang lumipas tumunog ang aking telepono. pagkasagot ko ay tumayo na ako at naglakad papunta sa tinigilan ng isang kotseng kulay abo.

kumusta? okay ka lang ba? ang tanong nila.

hindi ako nakasagot. hindi ko alam ang aking isasagot. nakatingin ako sa daan mula cubao hanggang sa kahabaan ng edsa. nasa nlex na kami nang ako'y nagsalita.

puwede ba tayong magstop-over? bili lang ako ng pagkain.

sa gasoline station patakbo akong bumaba papunta sa isang kilalang fast food restaurant.

humihiling pa sana ng isa pang kanta ang mga katrabaho ko kaso makikipagkita pa ako sa barkada ko. nagyayang lumabas ang operations manager namin ilang minuto bago ang uwian. dahil minsan lang naman magyaya ang boss namin, sumama na ako. tinext ko kaibigan ko na hahabol na lang ako sa birthday celebration niya.

ilang bote na rin ng beer ang aking nainom nang magtext ang kaibigan ko na magpupunta raw sila sa o-bar. doon na lang daw kami magkita. ayos lang yun para kung magkayayaang sumayaw hindi na ako mahihiya.

malapit na ang hatinggabi nang makaalis ako sa inuman. sakay na ako ng taxi papuntang ortigas nang matanggap ko ang tawag ng kuya ko. pagkababa ng tawag ay sinabihan ko ang driver na idiretso na lang sa cubao ang taxi.

ang dami mo yatang binili... sabi ni kuya.

hindi kami umuuwing magkakapatid ng walang pasalubong. magulo pa rin ang isip ko pero hindi ko nakalimutan yun. baka tanungin ako ni lola kung may cheeseburger akong dala para sa kanya. baka gutom din ang mga taong daratnan namin sa bahay.

alas-tres na ng madaling araw nang makadating kami ng pampanga. magkakasama sa sala sila mama at papa, ang bunso naming kapatid at boyfriend niya, dalawa naming tita at dalawa naming pinsan. andun din si lola pero wala pa siyang alam sa nangyari.

paci, wala na si lolo mo. sabi nila sa akin.

nilapitan ko sila. una kong niyakap si lola. buti pa si lola, dahil sa ulyanin na siya ay makakalimutan din niya kaagad ang sakit ng pagkawala ni lolo.

hindi ko alam kung paano maging handa sa araw na iyon na iiwan na rin kami ni tita. ang akala ko naging handa na ako noon kay lolo. hindi ako umiyak. hindi ko nagawang umiyak. pero hindi ibig sabihin ay hindi ako nasaktan at nangulila. ang alam ko lang, pagkatapos ng mga luha at pangugulila, maiiwan sa puso ko ang mga alaala.

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane Song Lyrics

fifty-nine beads

2012-01-14T14:48:00.000+08:00

let us pray in the name...

i could still vividly remember that day when i visited you and my cousins in cainta. you had a lot of stories to tell as always. no one has ever told me about papa and mama's love story like you did. every chapter was in full color. each story was related effortlessly as you cook dinner. at the table we shared insights on faith, politics, show business and family life. while waiting for the tricycle you asked me when will i visit you again and i answered soon.

hail mary full of grace...

three years ago we were walking in cubao carrying plastic bags. i could no longer recall how many kilos of frozen chicken were in those bags but heck they were really heavy. i knew you were tired but i did not hear you complain. you just smiled and said that my cousin would be very happy with the mountain of fried chicken that you'll be preparing for her birthday.

the first mystery...

whenever i reprimand my cousins for being disrespectful towards you, you will always say that it is okay. i guess you love them that much. they have grown too dependent because you pampered them. you never had children so i guess you treated them as your own.

holy mary...

i always see you as someone who never gets tired. someone who is strong. someone who believes and supports me. you are the godmother who is proud of her gay godson.

for every petition we answer...

as i hold on to these fifty-nine beads i pray that the Divine Providence may take away or at least lessen the pain. i no longer pray that the cancer will disappear and that you will recover from the stroke because every single day that you are still with us is already a miracle. i have come to realize that we did everything we could and that things are no longer in our human hands.

help of christians...

i could not bear seeing you cry but this time i will be strong for you. hold my hand ninang. i am here.

samahan ng malamig ang pasko, NOT

2011-12-04T12:29:00.000+08:00

friend: paci. may love life ka ba ngayon? di ka nagtitext ah.

paci: hala ako nga ang masipag magtext at mangamusta sa circle of friends natin. at may love life man ako o wala, di ako nakakalimot. oo nga pala, ang sagot ko sa tanong mo ay isang malaking OO MAY LOVE LIFE AKO NGAYON. hahaha.

friend: wow ang landi mo talaga! at long last! after two years may jowa ka na ulit! congratumulations!

paci: thanks thanks friend. yes to more happiness! hindi malamig ang pasko ko.

friend: oo nga! baka naman tulad yan nung ex mo ha. tama na pagiging martir mo. dapat kalevel mo siya ha.

paci: exact opposite ni ex. ako ang alaga. at hindi ko kalevel. mas mataas siya. hehe.

friend: ganun? paanong mas mataas?

paci: height pa lang talo na ako. tapos double degree siya. rich kid na humble. chinito na mestizo. mukha akong alalay pag magkasama kami.

friend: friend sa tagal ng paghihintay mo dapat lang na tulad niya ang maging jowa mo. i'm really happy for you. so kelan mo ipapakilala yan?

paci: after three months. di ba may three-month rule tayo. kasi naman yung isa nating friend every month iba ang ipinapakilala kaya nagkaroon tayo ng three-month rule. pero in all fairness nagbago na siya. ang dating player naging martir.

friend: hahaha. nang dahil sa pag-ibig ang naging theme song ni bakla.

paci: milagro di ba. nagbagong-buhay talaga siya. ikaw ba malamig ang pasko mo?

friend: ay hinde. hahaha.

paci: wow. tayo na talaga. we already really.

friend: pak much!

more normal

2011-10-14T02:15:00.000+08:00

whenever i encounter a not-so-good-date (like the one who was more than two hours late), i thought to myself that i deserved better. though discouraged, i still open myself to doors and windows of opportunities which might take me a step closer to my next partner.

i met this guy online way back when i still had my planetromeo account. he found my profile interesting. the exchange of messages went to exchange of numbers and so we became text mates. after that, he never fails to greet and check on me everyday. he is very witty with his replies. he loves cartoons. he is a licensed pharmacist and a martial artist. and he is cute.

for me he or someone like him is a jackpot. a certified chicken. wala ka talagang itatapon.
when it came to the point when he asked me out (nagpapakipot pa nga sana ako), i was very hesitant because i was thought i was nowhere near his radar but then he reassured me that he was not after the looks. somewhat pacified but i still had butterflies in my stomach.

then the day came when we met. i was ready with my two best feet forward so i could easily charm my way to his heart. he said i looked nice in person which made me kilig all over. over dinner all was going well.

until he asked me about dalton's law of partial pressures.

which made me freeze for a couple of seconds save from my lips that managed to put up a grin. let me retrace what happened.

we were chatting while having dinner when he asked where i finished my degree. of course i have already told him prior to our date but then i thought he has already forgotten so i said it again. then he replied that since he is a pharmacist and i am a science teacher, we both have a background in chemistry. i jokingly stressed that i only know the basics and most of the things that i studied especially in biochemistry and analytical chemistry were long forgotten though i still have my notes.

no longer dwelling on chemistry i then began to ask him about his collection of anime series and if it is possible if i could copy the titles that he has.

then he answered me with a question, could you explain to me dalton's law of partial pressures?
at that moment i felt amputating my two best feet. i no longer faced a date but an examiner. though he added that he did not understand what the law states, i saw right through him. it was as if i have never encountered a student who asks a lot of questions, pretending he does not know the answer when in fact he knows it like the back of his hand.

i could have easily given him the text book definition then explain it in lay man's terms and give an application of dalton's law. but i did not. i quote my professor, why ask when you already know the answer? what for?
so after the forced grin i simply replied, i do not know that. perhaps you could explain it to me...
he asked two more questions. i gave the same reply. then he went silent.

a friend of mine asked, why didn't you answer his questions? you could have easily proven how smart you are.

i would have gone to a psychometrician if i needed to have my iq recalculated. besides, i would love other guys to think that they are a lot smarter than i am. makes me feel "more normal."

biscuits

2011-10-06T09:35:00.001+08:00

again she is patiently waiting. for time, for something, for someone, i exactly do not know. with all her belongings at her side she looks she is going on a long journey. from time to time she stares at the screen door perhaps hoping to see more than just an empty space. she takes a wrapper from one of her pockets and now she is eating a piece of biscuit.

lola being ulyanin and all, speaks to us in her dialect. bleeding nose and ears i try my very best to come up with coherent statements using the very limited vocabulary that i have of her language. most of the time she understands me as i talk to her with all the gestures that i could employ.

madami ka na namang suot na damit. hindi ka ba naiinitan? i have no choice but to ask in tagalog. i do not know how to say it in bicolano.

she smiles as she offers me a piece of her biscuits.

hindi naman ako gutom lola. sa iyo na lang yan.

there are times when lola surprises me and speaks in tagalog. a brief and passing moment. the next time she would speak bicolano again.

hindi naman mainit. nakita mo ba si lolo mo?

of all the questions in this world. while my mother chooses to lie and tell her that lolo just went home to their province, i always tell her the truth. i know she will cry and be sad for some time but then she will forget about it until she asks again.

taking the picture of lolo i tell her, hindi ba iniwan na niya tayo? naalala mo?

hindi niya sinabi sa akin na aalis na siya. lagi na lang niya akong iniiwan.

i guess lolo was a bit unfair. he did not tell anyone it was his time to go.

sa amin hindi siya nagsabi pero nagsabi yun sa iyo. nagpaalam siya sa iyo lola. tara, ikukuha pa kita ng biscuit. mas masarap pa diyan sa kinakain mo.

she answers me but i have no idea of what she replied. she is speaking bicolano again. i usually give her a nod in reply. she stopped asking questions as i gave her a handful of biscuits. it turns out that lola and i could eat galletas the whole day.

destiny?

2011-10-05T08:57:00.000+08:00

once i asked my students, what is destiny?

some said it is a matter of chance. some said a matter of choice. others said both.

i told them, destiny is not a matter of chance or choice. destiny is mass per unit volume.

of course no one laughed. it was too corny for them.

tanong ni sis #1

2011-09-25T14:16:00.000+08:00

madalas sa paguusap naming magkakapatid ay may mga katanungang bigla na lamang ibinabato ng walang babala. mga katanungang hindi mo alam kung saan nagmula.

habang nasa bus pauwi ng pampanga, tinanong ako ng aking kapatid,

ano kaya ang mas masagwa, isang babaeng mukhang bakla o isang lalakeng mukhang tomboy?

at kadalasan ding kung saang lupalop ko lang galing ang aking sagot.

si justin bieber ba yan?

anak = paci

2011-09-14T21:35:00.002+08:00

ANAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!

tinatawag na naman ako ni mama. apat kaming magkakapatid pero alam naming lahat na ako ang tinatawag niya. sigurado akong may ipawawalis o ipapupunas o ipahuhugas o ipahahanap o ipababasa o kung an-ano pa sa akin. sanay na rin naman ako. simple lang ang dahilan - hindi talaga masipag sa bahay ang mga kapatid ko.

lahat naman kami tinuruang tumulong sa bahay. bago pa man kami humantong sa paaralan kung saan may good manners and right conduct at christian formation, sinasanay na kami ng aming mga magulang dahil wala kaming katulong o yaya nung lumalaki kami.

noong umpisa, isa-isa kaming tinatawag ni mama upang tulungan siya sa mga gawain. unang tatawagin ang dawala naming kuya dahil mas matanda sila, tapos ako, tapos ang bunso. hindi ko naman napapansin noon na ako lang pala ang lumalapit at tumutulong kay mama.

nang lumaon ay ako na lang ang tinatawag ni mama. ang dahilan niya, ako lang naman ang maaasahan niya. ayos lang sa akin. kapag napapagod na ako, ako na lang ang nakikiusap sa mga kapatid ko na tumutulong din naman dahil sa awa.

napapangiti na lang ang mga kapatid ko sa tuwing babanggitin ni mama ang salitang anak.

anak = paci,

ganun kasimple. minsan nga kahit hindi ako ang gusto niyang tawagin, ako at ako pa rin ang lumalapit dahil nasanay na ako. ang salitang anak ay walang iba kundi ako.

ano po iyon? tanong ko.

september na. anong plano mo?

yun lang pala. gusto lang niyang malaman kung ano ang plano kong christmas decorations para sa bahay. sino pa ba ang aasahan niya? pasalamat siya may anak siyang bakla.

sir earl, philo 1 prof

2011-09-09T13:17:00.001+08:00

a few days ago while strolling in the mall i saw my philosophy 1 professor during my college days. he is a 6-footer, moreno and good-looking guy. (although he is not my type). i could remember all my teachers and professors even without a list and even if i could not remember all, he is definitely one whom i will never forget.

my blockmates and i were blessed to have him because we really had fun during his class every monday and thursday from 1 to 2:30. the one hour and a half period was divided into thirty (more or less) minutes of lecture and one (more or less) hour of jokes and laughter.

he is a walking arsenal of green jokes, funny stories and embarrassing celebrity moments. if only i had a recorder during those times. of course philosophy is a very interesting subject especially when we got to the part where we refute arguments by identifying their fallacies - argumentum ad hominem, argumentum ad populum, petitio principii, post hoc ergo propter hoc, etc. but then we forgot philosophy because we laughed so hard we almost cried in his class.

on our second meeting he posted this question to everyone. may conio ba sa inyo? conio. you know. make tusok-tusok the fishball?

so a conio girl was asked, miss what is the pagkakaiba of a camote and a dick?

the conio girl answered, eeewww yuck kadiri! AS IF I EAT CAMOTE?!?!

the whole class, especially the guys burst into laughter. the story was in no connection with our topic. he just wanted to share it.

funny though, i could no longer remember most of his green jokes and anecdotes. i must have laughed my way through his subject, landing a 1.25 in my class card which was more than enough for me. he said he does not give uno's.

the mayabang and the buddha

2011-09-08T14:40:00.001+08:00

so there i was standing on the corner of dela rosa and gallardo waiting for him. it usually takes him three minutes to walk from his pad to our meeting place, another two minutes if he is butt-naked and had to put some clothes on. next time we meet if ever there will be one, i will dare him to be shirtless when he goes out to fetch me.

three minutes passed and there he was. the usual salutations and then he held out his arm to get my bag. no matter how light or heavy my bag is and no matter how many times i protest, he would always carry my bag from the meeting place to his unit. i may be a lady by heart but i do not want to be treated in such a way. then again, how can i refuse a gentleman like him? plus he is taller and bigger than me.

he was already perspiring when we got back to his place. for our past-midnight snack he prepared sandwiches and lemonade. we ate while talking and watching a movie on a cable channel. when i was washing the dishes he gave me a hug. then he whispered a soft "thank you" into my ear. wala yun, i replied.

while watching nat geo he sat on my back. it is his way of cuddling. when my back was already aching i turned and then he sat on my chest. he thought he was light as a feather, on the other hand, i was having difficulty breathing. with one push i overpowered him and managed to lay on top of him. smiling he slowly pulled my head towards his and then we kissed.

i woke up and went to the bathroom. it was already five in the morning. after relieving myself i made my way back to his bed where i found him sitting like an indian.

i teased him. you look like buddha. then i rubbed his tummy for good luck.

ang yabang mo talaga. his favorite line. i am always the mayabang and the bad while he is the humble and the good.

maaga pa. tulog ka pa. i replied as i sat beside him. something wrong?

sorry. he started. i know we are not seeing each other on a regular basis. it's just that i have so many things to do at work. you know i am trying my best to be independent. this is what i want. i like you but i hope you understand that i am not ready. i'll always be here if you still want to spend some time with me.

i gave a deep sigh and hugged him. it was a bad and good news at the same time. at least now i know where we stand. or where i should stand.

are you hungry? i'll prepare breakfast. he offered.

not yet. i rested my head on his shoulder. i'm just glad you're home safe.

you're free to see other guys naman di ba. perhaps you should go out more often. just choose wisely. i am not pushing you away or anything. i just want to be fair. he said while holding my hand.

actually i had a date last night. then i told him what happened.

ang malas mo naman. sobra-sobra yung two hours ah. antok pa ako. tulog ulit tayo?

it did not take long before i was back in dream land.

meeting place

2011-09-04T03:14:00.002+08:00

the other night, i went out on a date. no i was with someone and not just by myself. the plan was to see zombadings 1: patayin sa shokot si remington. the movie was good and funny; i won't even try to give it a review because this post is not about that.

the date was somewhat spontaneous because we only set it during lunch time. we were to meet in the mall at seven, have dinner, then see the movie. plain and simple. no sex yet no matter how well the date will go.

since i had no intention of being tardy, i arrived at the mall at exactly 6:55. the last showing was at ten so we had a lot of time to talk about things over dinner. ten minutes after seven i texted him if he was on his way. he apologized and said he was stuck in traffic so he will be late. funny he said that when in fact he was late already.

it was okay given that it was a rainy evening. to kill time i went to booksale, filbar's, neutral grounds, comic alley, comic quest. i also checked the art stores and galleries so i could fool myself that i have artist's blood running through my veins. though i would pale in comparison to lola techie, i still roamed around cyberzone to survey different gadgets.

when my feet started to complain i decided to wait for my date at a familiar coffee shop. my patience began to wane when i noticed that it was already eight-thirty. through text he explained that he was delayed by an even at their work and then the traffic at edsa. he apologized a lot of times in all fairness to him but then i was already losing interest.

he arrived some time past nine. he offered to treat me dinner which was evidently out of guilt. i was not able to prevent myself in answering nonchalantly for every basic question that he threw at me though i did manage to put up a smile. we resorted to buying food at a famous fast food chain and then had dinner at the movie house.

thank heavens i enjoyed the flick.

while waiting for his taxi, he asked if we could meet next week. i did promise to keep in touch. one not-so-good date is very forgivable. he was late. i became impatient.

i decided to ride a bus going to cubao. as i walked from farmers to gateway i checked my phone for messages. one from my date which said that i take care on my way home. another message came from a very familiar number.

i just arrived yesterday. done with work in sg. still up? will you spend the night with me?

at one thirty in the morning i was standing in the corner of dela rosa and gallardo. our meeting place.
oh yes i am that marupok.

for juan

2011-09-01T18:06:00.001+08:00

when i look up above
the clear night sky
tiny diamonds scattered
small gaps displaying
the light of heaven

i wonder if ever
you peek into them
and so they glimmer
i ponder if ever
they hear my whisper
and tell it to you
i hope you hear
every prayer i say

they always tell me
you are just here
you never left
sometimes i feel
that you are just near
or here beside me
then i am all right

but when i see her
calling out your name
looking for you
when i see her cry
missing you

when i hug her

when i comfort her

when we pray

i know

i am reminded
it is not the same
it is just not the same

meeting him, ex's partner

2011-09-01T00:17:00.002+08:00

like a wizard's familiar he summoned me to do his bidding. he made it sound so urgent that i was in no position to refuse. my afternoon nap was cut to a quarter but i found no time to be annoyed as i made haste to fix myself. i suddenly materialized in the place where i was supposed to meet him. my feet froze when i saw him with someone.

the meet-up with my ex and his partner did push through after my ex canceled it two days before the said date.

i forgot to bring my score cards and my stamp with the words "approved by the meat inspection commission" plus my signature. the bad thing was that i looked like a zombie. the good thing was that my ms. universe questions intended for his partner were still in my head. of course given the choice between beauty and brains, i choose both but during such an unpleasant time, i go for the latter.

and so it came to pass that my ex, his partner and i spent that afternoon talking. i found out that ex's partner is nice after all. i found him actually cute. which is the correct word since he is six years younger than ex and me. he was able to comprehend my jokes which was a good sign. he has a skill at giving critiques which will be honed over time. with the way that he looks at my ex, i could say he is part sweet and part paranoid.

while ex was in the restroom his partner asked me, talaga bang mabilis maubos and pasensya niya at mukhang war freak pag bad trip siya?

ah ganun pa rin ba siya? sa tingin ko hirap siyang baguhin yun. kahit minsan siya na ang mali. dapat ikaw ang mahaba ang pasensya sa inyong dalawa pero alam ko kung gaano siya mageffort. pag kinausap mo talaga na kailangan niyong magmeet halfway gagawin niya.

it was heartwarming that ex's partner talked to me about his concerns. i was careful with each answer that i gave him; it even took time before i opened my mouth each time i would reply. he is an intelligent guy so i did not need to give him everything. surely he would figure them out soon enough.

we had to change location came dinner time. as we walked, rain started to pour heavily. my ex and i shared my umbrella which easily accommodated the two of us while his partner's could only cover himself. when i told them that they should share my umbrella and i will use the smaller one, ex's partner smiled and said,

hindi na kailangan. hindi naman na kita pagseselosan.

waiting in ...

2011-08-24T23:58:00.001+08:00

it has been a week then since i told him that i will no longer keep in touch without explaining why. it was crystal clear that it was not working for the both of us. we only saw each other once this month. last month it was the same. he never answered my calls. the frequency of getting a reply from him was very low may it be sms or via fb. during those rare times when he replied, i never failed to thank my lucky stars because usually he would reply after a day or two.

perhaps there is such a thing as snail sms or snail e-mail after all.

i would have never expected any effort from him if he did not tell me that he likes me and that he was willing to give it a try. a fault of mine was that i did not turn down his invitation to drop by his place after our second date. we would have done it eventually but to do it on the second date was too early for me. i guess ~~i was that desperate~~ it has been awhile since i made such a connection with someone.

so after four dates in a span of three months and replies countable with my fingers and toes, i decided to let him go and move on. though i always say that effort could never be quantified, i was thinking that i deserved better. maybe not necessarily more but better.

to facilitate the moving-on process, i deleted his number from my phonebook. i was not able to "unfriend" him yet in fb but i was able to restrain myself from sending him a message. seven days passed without any attempt to contact him so i congratulated myself for my self-control.

a day after, i found myself on my way to makati at one in the morning.

fives times he pleaded that i come over. seven times he texted with a sad emoticon. he was to leave for singapore in the afternoon due to his work. he will be there for three weeks so he wanted me to stay with him for the night because he did not want to be alone.

i was at shaw boulevard when my neurons shouted how pathetic i was.

he knew my weakness so he cooked pasta and hugged me while we ate. we kissed and cuddled after the after-midnight snack. his ridiculous attempt at being cute made me laugh which made my neurons shout louder. we slept at five in the morning.

waking up we both found ourselves ~~still naked~~ late for work so we made haste with breakfast. before we parted ways he told me that he will see me immediately after his trip. i smiled and told him to take care.

the waiting continues. if not for him then for someone else.

time and more time

2011-08-23T23:17:00.001+08:00

my ex-boyfriend invited me to go out on friday so he could introduce me to his current partner.

he definitely has a lot of cheek to send me an invitation. as if i will give in to his request! as if i have the time on friday to sneak them into my hectic schedule even though i really have nothing planned out for friday night! as if i am chummy enough to actually talk to his current boyfriend! and if i will indeed chat with his partner, does his partner have the ability to carry out a conversation? does his partner understand plain and simple english?

two years ago i would have said that and more actually. much much more. with wormwood flowing through my veins during that time, i would have made an utter fool of myself. a sign will be posted above my head with the words "complete jerk" and an arrow pointing downwards. for shame paci! for shame!

it was a good thing that time did heal the wounds and the scars that remain remind me that i have matured. a proof is that i feel no bitterness that my ex found happiness after his failed relationship after ours when here i am, still single after two years. perhaps i have grown to realize that most of the people that i meet will just come and then go no matter how i try to make them stay. that i should just cling onto the hope that i am enough reason to become part of their lives.

it is ironic that even though there are numerous avenues that would get me closer in finding a someone, nothing seems to happen. i have done the searching part, chasing even. did not work. so i tried to wait. i am still waiting. i guess i still need more time.

there are times when i feel happy for one person and yet i am sad for myself. this is one of those times.

the wooden frame

2011-08-23T00:14:00.001+08:00

three gentle knocks she placed on the door. then carefully she turned the knob so as not to disturb those who are already in deep slumber. she peeked into the dimly-lit room in hope to see someone who is still awake. it is already two in the morning.

to her delight she saw a familiar face. for a moment she stood glued at the door and looked at him. on his bed he was busy staring at a light coming from a rectangular box placed in from of him. his eyes moved fast as if they were chasing bullets passing by. his hand was holding something - it's hemispherical in shape. his hand shifted it, left, right, up and down. she thought that he was fully unaware of her presence until his eyes stopped moving. he looked up to her and spoke.

bakit gising ka pa? she was asked.

nagbanyo lang ako.

he smiled and nodded at her.

tulog ka na ulit. tatapusin ko lang ito tapos tulog na rin ako. he told her.

she was about to close the door when she remembered,

nakita mo ba si lolo mo? nagising ako na wala siya sa tabi ko. hinanap ko siya pero wala naman. she asked him.

she then saw him putting up a forced grin. leaving the rectangular box he stood up and led her out of the room. he whispered that he knows where lolo is. with cat's grace they made their way into the sala where they sat on the long sofa which is the usual scene of her siestas. a few meters northwest from where they were seated is a sturdy circular table. on the table, a long white candle flickered to shed some light around it. behind the candle a wooden frame stood.

he pointed at the wooden frame and told her to look at it.

ayun si lolo. nakangiti sa atin at lagi tayong binabantayan. dito mo siya laging makikita.

while he hugged her, tears fell from her eyes. she called out her husband's name a couple of times.

kaya pala hindi na siya sumasagot kapag tinatawag ko siya. dito na lang siya sumasagot, she said while laying her hand on her chest.

eulogy

2011-08-12T18:05:00.002+08:00

good morning to one and all.

i'm one of the grandchildren of my dearest lolo. they say i look like a lot like him because i have his nose and the shape of his head. whenever people ask me where i got my good looks, i always say that i got it from my lolo. i was named after him. he is juan and i am john.

i was lucky enough to have spent a lot of time with him when i was a child. a lot of times he would fetch me after school during my preparatory days. while waiting for the jeepney, we would eat snacks and drink buko juice. i would show him my written works, art works and quizzes. then he would tell me that i must have inherited my brains from him. of course that is true.

when i was a child i cried a lot. i had a very soft heart and i was too emotional. growing up, i taught myself to be strong and tough until i wasn't emotional anymore. later on i found out that lolo is an emotional man and that he is not afraid to show it. he cries during our graduation, birthdays and other special occasions. goes to show that he is a very loving man.

when he was diagnosed with cancer, i was the first grandchild to visit him in the hospital. while my mother cried when i entered the room, lolo smiled and even tried to get up. he said that he is already well and that he should be discharged tomorrow. when i stayed for the night to look after him, he woke up a lot of times asking for the time. he was so anxious to go home.

lolo looked strong amidst his condition. i guess he didn't want to become a burden to everyone. he wanted to show us that he is well and good. his hearing may have become weak but he would always listen to my stories with delight.

when i heard of the news of his parting, i wasn't able to cry much. a part of me is really sad but i am also relieved that he didn't suffer that much. when you look at him, it is evident that he is at peace. his face proves that he has already done his part in this world and more.

i maybe in tears now because i will no longer see him physically and i will certainly miss him so much.

lolo, thank you. i am very proud to be your apo. i am very proud that i had a grandfather like you. i will miss you. i love you lolo.

my lolo, her husband

2011-08-09T14:13:00.000+08:00

there i was standing in front of lolo's casket. in my hand i was holding a frame of his photo which was taken last march during his 84th birthday. i hugged the frame and looked at him. his face is filled with serenity. maybe if i tell him a joke he could still manage to put up a smile. fatigue has taken over me so i thought of resting for a bit. after placing the photo frame on the glass cover i felt a hand on my shoulder.

sino yung nakahiga? she asked.

it was lola lucia. i wasn't surprised that she didn't recognize her husband. she is now ulyanin after all. she was already informed of our loss but i guess she has already forgotten about it. or she is still in denial. i gently wrapped my arms around her as the both of us watched over the man that we both loved.

si juan iyan. asawa mo. lolo ko. iniwan na niya tayo. i told her.

lola didn't look sad at all. she wasn't even surprised. it was as if she didn't hear what i just said. she just stared at her husband.

kumain pa lang kami kaninang tanghalian. madami pa nga siyang nakain. she said.

she only remembered what happened yesterday noon. at some point, i envy her.

tara na lola, tulog muna tayo. i invited her to take a nap.

mauna ka na. babantayan ko muna pagtulog niya. she replied.

one of these days i will let someone relate to me the love story of my lolo and my lola. i'm sure it's a colorful one.

thank you, lolo juan

2011-08-09T01:03:00.001+08:00

the day after my birthday, i went home to pampanga. we had a simple celebration. my father who happens to be the best cook prepared the most delicious pansit. i bought two loaves of tasty bread, a gallon of my favorite strawberry ice cream, and two pet bottles of cola. as with any family celebration or dinner, it was customary that i lead the prayer.

after the dinner we found ourselves chatting while having dessert in the sala. the house became filled with laughter and cheer. i was seated next to my lolo juan when i remembered that i had brought something for him. immediately i went to my room and took out a shirt which i received for free thanks to my work. i gave it to him and asked if it's the perfect fit. lolo then stood and took off the shirt that he was wearing. he made haste to wear the shirt that i gave him.

tamang-tama lang. at bagay na bagay. he said with a beaming smile.

that was the third shirt that i gave him but he was still excited as ever to wear it as if it was the first.

the next day, it was sunday, i woke up early because i had to go back to manila for a work-related event. with my backpack i went out of the house to say my farewell to lolo who was resting on his swing which was tied under the jackfruit tree. he was taking a nap when i kissed his forehead. he looked up at me.

luluwas ka na? kailan ka babalik? he asked.

kung hindi sa weekend. sa susunod na weekend. i answered.

he gave me a nod. it's his way of saying that i should take care of myself until we meet again. then i rubbed his head. it's my way of saying that he should take care of himself while i am away.

last saturday when i saw my lolo juan, he wasn't wearing the shirt which i gave him.

there i was staring at him for a very long time. his face was very peaceful. i grinned as i touched the nose which i got from him and for which i am very grateful. funny how the visitors and other distant relatives noted of our close resemblance. of course i wasn't named after him for nothing.

*****
lolo, thank you for being my personal bodyguard when i was in preparatory, for being a fan during commencement exercises, for being a believer in my abilities and for being proud of me. i will certainly going to miss you a lot. don't you worry about lola lucia, i will take care of her. i am sad that you will not be physically present when the time comes that i have finished my masters and doctorate degrees but i know you'll be telling your neighbors in paradise that you have an apo like me. i love you lolo juan. farewell for now.

public service announcement # 4

2011-07-16T09:47:00.000+08:00

laging tandaan na hindi lang ikaw ang gumagamit ng escalator kaya huwag tatambay sa landing nito kung hindi ka pa decided kung saan ka pupunta. sabihan mo rin ang mga kasama mo para hindi kayo mukhang mga tanga.

pxr 802

2011-07-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

next time na ang capital F part 4.

naghihintay ako ng jeepney kaninang umaga. dahil isa akong mabuting empleyado, maaga akong umaalis ng bahay para hindi ako mahuli. madami kasi sa atin ang malayo na nga ang tinutuluyan nila sa trabaho, hindi pa maagang umaalis kaya nagmamadali at minsan nababad trip pa kung mabagal ang usad ng mga sasakyan o kaya naman ay pila sa mrt o lrt. umaga pa lang stressed ka na. hindi ka lang papangit, kaagad ka pang tatanda. nakakamatay talaga ang stress. ayaw kong mastress kaya maaga akong nagbibiyahe. nitong mga nakaraang linggo nilalakad ko lang mula sa amin papuntang lrt station. para tipid daw kunyari.

tinamad lang ako kanina kaya nagdesisyon akong magjeep.

anyway naghihintay na nga ako kanina ng jeepney at dahil nga maaga ako, magagawa ko pang mamili ng aking sasakyan. siyempre kung di pa rush hour, ayaw ko sa jeepney na puno at masikip. yung tipong one-fourth na lang ng puwit mo ang nakaupo. no way high way. ayaw ko rin sa jeepney na mabilis magpatakbo ang driver. yung naiiwan ang kaluluwa mo sa sobrang bilis. asar na asar ako sa mga driver na wala sa kanilang bokabularyo ang salitang "preno".

ilang jeepney na rin ang aking pinalampas. maarte kasi ako.

pagkaraan ng dalawampung segundo, may isang jeepney na huminto sa aking harapan. wala akong balak sumakay pero nagbago ang isip ko nang makita ko si kuya drayber.

dito ka na sa harap umupo, paanyaya niya.

isa siguro siya sa pinakaguwapong jeepney drayber na nakita ko. sa totoo lang, hindi siya mukhang jeepney drayber. maayos ang pagkakulay ng kanyang buhok. malakas ang dating. may dimples pa. sa tingin ko magkasing-edad lang kami.

hindi na ako nagpatumpik-tumpik pa. sumakay na ako sa jeepney ni kuyang drayber.

halatang miyembro ng berdugo si kuyang drayber. puno ng stuffed toys ang kanyang jeepney. pati seven dwarfs meron siya. naglalambitin silang lahat. ang kukyut. tsek. ang kanyang cellphone ay kulay pink. swak sa banga. at ang music niya, MARIAH CAREY. pak na pak.

natouch ako nang hindi na nagpasakay sa harap si kuya drayber. bale kami lang ang magkatabi. paboritong mariah song pa ang tumutugtog - breakdown.

sayang at hindi matagal ang aking biyahe. sampung minuto lang. hindi tuloy kami nakapagbonding ni kuya drayber. ~~nakapaglandian~~ nakapagkuwentuhan pa sana kami. pero masaya na rin ako. maganda ang aking umaga kaya siguradong maganda ang araw ko.

kung nasaan ka man kuya drayber, ingat sa pagmamaneho.

capital F part 3

2011-07-02T00:42:00.001+08:00

ang sarap mo. sana maulit ito.

pareho kaming pagod ni josh na nagpahinga sa maliit na higaan. hindi ko inaasahan ang nangyari. akalay ko'y wala akong mapapala noong gabing iyon. humiga siya sa aking dibdib. nang tumingin siya sa akin, nabasa ko sa kanyang mga mata ang kalungkutan. nabubuo sa aking isipan ang mga susunod niyang sasabihin.

hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit nangyayari sa akin ang ganito. pagkatapos ng pagtatalik, ibang katauhan na ang aking katabi. hindi na ito si josh na matindi sa halikan, na masarap kung dumila at sumubo, na pinagpiyestahan ang aking katawan kanina, na nilulon ang aking katas. isa na siyang munting paslit na napakahina at walang kalaban-laban. isa siyang kaluluwa na naghahanap at nagnanais ng kasama sa buhay. siguro pagkatapos mailabas ang libog, bumabalik ang katotohanang mag-isa lamang siya sa mundo. malungkot.

iba ang simpatiya sa pag-ibig. maibibigay ko man ang nauna, hindi ko alam kung maibibigay ko ang ikalawa. alam kong may mga iilan na napagkakamalang ikalawa ang una. sa tingin ko'y ganun din ang awa. wala naman sa akin kung may pagka-drama queen si josh. sanay na ako sa mga drama ng buhay.

nagkausap pa kami ni josh pagkatapos kong maligo. tumabi siya sa akin sa may locker area. niyaya niya akong lumabas para magkakilala pa kami ng mabuti. kusa niyang ibinigay ang kanyang mobile number sa akin. hinalikan niya ako sa noo bago siya tuluyang nagbihis at umalis. napatingin ako ng matagal sa salamin. iniisip ko ang mga katulad ni josh. mga katulad namin ni josh. hindi niya lang nahalata sa akin kanina dahil nakinig lamang ako sa mga kuwento niya.

sa bandang kaliwa napansin kong may nakatingin sa akin. nagpasya akong tumayo upang hanapin si bes at sa pagdaan ko sa harapan niya, ngumiti siya. tumango ako at ngumiti rin. hindi naman siya sumunod sa aking pagakyat sa second floor kaya naglibot muna ako. pihikan si bes kaya naisip kong nakatambay lang ito sa isang sulok. hind ko pinapansin ang mga tingin at mga ngiti. oo mayabang na ako ngayon dahil nakaiskor na ako. mabilis kong naikot ang second floor. wala naman si bes.

inakyat ko ang third floor at doon naman naghanap. wala rin doon si bes.

umupo muna ako sa isang sulok kung saan damang-dama ang lamig ng aircon at electric fan. napasandal ako at napapikit. hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto akong nakaidlip. pagmulat ng aking mga mata may dalawa na akong katabi. hindi naman sila gumagawa ng kung ano. nakaupo rin lang sila, nagpapahinga. narinig kong nagsabi ang isa na nakakapagod palang maglibot sa lugar na iyon. naalala ko si bes kaya tumayo na ako at bumaba sa second floor.

sa aking pagbaba naisip kong sana andun si bes sa harap ng malaking salamin. doon kasi siya laging nakatambay nung unang punta namin. hindi si bes ang aking nakita kundi tatlong katawang batak sa pagbubuhat. sa totoo lang hindi ko tipo ang mga maskulado. ayaw ko sa mga bato-batong kalamnan. mas tipo ko ang katawang tama lang na pangromansa.

sa tatlong maskulado, nakaagaw ng aking pansin ang isa. mukhang bata at cute ngumiti. puwede na sana yung isa kahit bato-bato, madadaan naman sa ngiti pero alam kong karamihan ng ganun ang katawan, maskulado rin ang hanap. tama na ang isang segundong pagtingin kaya tumungo ako sa kanang bahagi ng second floor upang hanapin si bes. hindi pa man ako nakakalayo ay may kamay na pumatong sa aking balikat.

hey, wait. i'm carl. i'm carl. you are?

hindi muna ako tumingin upang makita kung sino siya. hinawakan niya ako sa kamay habang inuulit ang kanyang pagpapakilala. hinintay kong marating namin ang sulok para hindi kami makakaharang sa daraanan. sabi ko sa sarili ko na kung si cute yun, kakabahan ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa kanya. baka pagod pa si junior ko kahit alam kong hindi pa ako ipinahiya nito sa kahit ano pang laban. kung hindi si cute, madali lang magdahilan. sasabihin kong may hinahanap lang ako at paalis na rin. sana si cute. sana hindi si cute. bahala na. haharapin ko na siya.

i'm paci. ang aking sagot.

mapapalaban na naman yata ako.

capital F part2

2011-07-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

i'm paci. kasama ko best friend ko. sagot ko sa kanya. lumapit pa siya sa akin at tinitigan ako. alam kong mahirap maaninag ang aking mukha sa dilim.

hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako kinakabahan sa pagpasok namin ni bes. napakaayos ng aking sulat-kamay sa likod ng membership card. hindi pinagpawisan ang aking noo at batok. nagawa ko pang batiin at ngitian ang mga taong nag-assist sa amin. siguro dahil alam ko na kung ano ang makikita sa loob. dahil alam ko na ang mga maaaring mangyari sa loob.

walang tao sa dance floor kahit sabado ng gabi. malamang nasa ibaba ang mga ito. ayos lang kasi hindi ako mukhang magsasayaw. sa aking damit at tsinelas, ako ay isang batang bibili ng suka sa palengke ngunit naligaw. nakita ko na naman ang aking sarili sa salamin. napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. bahala na. dumiretso na kami ni bes sa lugar na pinangyayarihan ng kakaibang aksyon.

sa may locker area habang nagtatanggal ako ng aking pantaas ay iniikot ko ang aking paningin. napangiti ako nang nahuli kong umiwas ang mga mata ng mga naroon. nakatapis kami ni bes tangan ang sabon, nagtungo kami sa showers. gaya ng inaasahan, ang mga tingin ng aming kasabay ay mula ulo hanggang paa. o ulo hanggang alaga. hindi naman kami mapapahiya ni bes sa aming mga sandata pero grower kasi kami. sa puntong iyon behave pa ang aming mga alaga.

habang nagpupunas sa harapan ng salamin, pinansin ni bes ang aking kapayatan. nasobrahan daw. nagsalubong na lang ang aking mga kilay.

bes usapang matino ha. huwag kang papatake-home kahit na gaano kaguwapo yung nagyaya sa iyo.

noong unang punta kasi namin dito, inuwi ako nung nakilala ko. si bes naman ay nakatulog kasama nung nakasex niya.

nagpinky swear pa kami bago maghiwalay sa second floor. pupuwesto na sana ako doon sa isang sulok kung saan puwedeng manood ng m2m na pinapalabas nila sa isang tv. nalungkot ako dahil off yung tv. malakas kasi yung background music nila. tinatamada pa akong maglibot kaya tumambay ako sa pagitan nung dalawang mala-kurtinang mga kadena. sumandal ako.

lahat ng dumaraan tumitingin sa akin. hindi pala. tumititig sila. ilang segundo. isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima. mula ulo hanggang paa. ako nakatingin sa aking kaliwa. hindi ko kailangang tumitig. masuwerte akong malinaw pa ang aking mga mata. sabihin na nating, alam ko kaagad kung tipo ko ang daraan sa aking harapan.

matangkad. pandak. maskulado. patpatin. mataba. moreno. maputi. tisnito. kalbo. may kulay ang buhok. matapang ang mukha. maamo. iba-iba. iisa ang hanap.

mga ngiti. madaming ngumingiti sa akin. sinusuklian ko rin naman ang ngiti nila. minsan nagbbeautiful eyes pa ako. hindi lang siguro nila napapansin. may mga pagkakataong higit pa sa limang segundo ang kanilang pagkakatitig na may kasama pang ngiti. iyon nga lang, hindi ako ang gagawa ng unang hakbang. may pimple man ako sa noo at pumayat man ako, hindi ako maglalakas-loob na unang magpakilala, mabokya man ako ng gabing iyon.

si josh ang unang naglakas-loob na kumausap sa akin. hinimas niya ang aking ulo. gustung-gusto daw niya ang mga kalbo at semikalbo. malakas daw ang dating. parang yung ex-partner niya.

suwerte naman ako sa aking unang nakilala. hindi man siya ganun katangkad, maputi naman at maamo ang mukha. hindi rin niya napabayaan ang kanyang katawan. ang ikinatuwa ko ay ang maumbok niyang puwit.

nang masolo na niya ako sa isang maliit na kuwarto binuksan niya ang ilaw. lalo siyang napangiti. nakatayo pa rin ako nang lumapit siya sa akin at ako'y hinalikan. malambot ang kanyang mga labi. sa pagkikita muli ng aming mga labi, ginamit rin niya ang kanyang dila. basang-basa ito. idiniin pa niya ang kanyang mukha sa akin. nageespadahan ang aming mga dila habang hinahaplos niya ang aking dibdib. bumaba ang isa niyang kamay at tinanggal ang aking tapis.

hindi pa rin kami tapos sa paghahalikan nang hawakan niya ang aking matigas na alaga. hinimas niya ang ulo nito. napaatras ako at napasandal. umungol ako sa sarap. hindi niya binitawan ang aking sandata. lumapit siya ulit at hinalikan ako sa leeg. halik. dila. himas. napapikit na lamang ako sa kanyang ginawa. bumaba siya sa aking dibdib at pinaglaruan ito. pagkatapos ay sa nasa tiyan na siya. halik sa tiyan. dila sa may pusod at baywang. pinigilan kong magpumiglas kahit nakikiliti ako. pababa na sana siya sa aking singit nang pigilan ko siya.

huwag muna. madami pa naman tayong oras. sabi ko.

capital F part 1

2011-06-26T20:40:00.001+08:00

kanina ka pa ba dito? hi, i'm paul. nakangiting sabi ng lalaking tumabi sa akin habang nakasandal ako sa pader.

nasa cubao kami ni best friend kagabi. matagal na rin kaming hindi nagkita. nagpakalayu-layo kasi siya noong mga nakaraang buwan. nagkaroon siya ng partner kaya nawala sa mundo. masaya kaming nagkukuwentuhan habang kumakain sa isang fast food nang may natanggap akong mensahe.

nasaan ka paci?

text message ni chris.

sino yan? boylet mo? tanong ni bes.

si chris ay isang estudyanteng kumukuha ng business administration sa pamantasang aking pinanggalingan. maputi, singkit ang mga mata, cute at mas cute kung ngumiti, at kasingtangkad ko. nagkakilala kami sa isang website na hindi ko na babanggitin kung ano. nagsex kami sa una naming pagkikita. pagkatapos nun ay masipag na niya akong tinetext. ang sabi niya gusto daw niya ako. ako o ang aking alaga at performance sa kama, hindi ako sigurado.

cubao. ang reply ko.

kaninang umaga niyaya ko si chris na makipagkita sa akin. gusto ko rin naman siyang makilala pa ng mabuti. hindi na ako tulad ng dati na kung sa one night stand tayo nagkakilala ay hanggang doon na lang tayo. marahil dala na rin ito ng pagtanda. nalungkot ako dahil tinatamad daw siyang lumabas ng bahay kaya sa ibang araw na lang daw kami magkita.

nakita kita. sino yang kasama mo? akala ko ba single ka? enjoy na lang. reply niya.

sabi nga nila, mapusok ang mga bata. iba talaga sila mag-isip. ang bilis humantong sa konklusyon. minsan nga kahit mas matanda pa sa iyo parang bata kung mag-isip.

best friend ko ang kasama ko. huwag ka namang mag-isip ng ganyan. at hindi naman kita babawalang makipagdate sa iba. single ka di ba.

parehas kaming single. walang napagusapang bawal lumabas o makipagkita sa iba. siguro nagseselos siya. aminado akong guwapo si bes. nagmumukha akong basahan pag magkasama kami.

okay. punta ako ng trinoma. may pinapadate sa akin yung friend ko. good night.

nagkaroon na ako dati ng partner na mas bata sa akin. madalas masakit ang ulo ko sa kakaproblema sa aming relasyon. mahirap pero tumagal din kami ng isa at kalahating taon. ayaw ko nang maulit yun. mukha na nga akong matanda sa edad ko mas tatanda pa ako sa kunsumisyon.

sige. enjoy at ingat ka. sana diniretso mo na ako na may iba kang date kaya hindi ka makikipagkita sa akin. hindi yung magdadahilan kang tinatamad lumabas ng bahay. ayun lang.

napangiti na lang si bes. bata ang kanyang partner. lagi ring sumasakit ang ulo niya. naawa nga ako nung sinabi niyang nakikipagthreesome sila dahil iyon ang gusto ng kanyang partner. kilala ko si bes. ginagawa niya lang yun dahil mahal niya yung tao. alam kong nasasaktan siya sa sitwasyon nila. bilang best friend ay sinuportahan ko na lang siya.

bes huwag muna tayong umuwi. alam kong namiss din ni bes ang lumabas kasama ako.

binuklat ko muna ang aking pitaka at tiningnan kung sapat pa ang dala kong budget. okay pa naman. di kami uuwing naglalakad. napansin ko ang isang nakasilid na card sa aking wallet. inilabas ko ito at ipinakita kay bes.

naaalala mo pa ba ito? di ba ikaw ang unang nagsama sa akin doon? patawa kong sabi.

akala ko'y babatukan ako ni bes pero kumindat pa ito at ngumiti. alam ko na ang ibig sabihin nun.

pagkatapos naming kumain ay natungo kami sa convenience store. candy. maliit na sabon. mouthwash. nang itinuro ni bes ang condom ay tumanggi ako. hindi ko kailangan yun dahil hindi ko gagawin ang kanyang iniisip. habang nakapila sa pagbayad napatingin ako sa salamin. may pimple ako sa noo. sobrang payat ko ngayon salamat sa oatmeal na kinakain ko tuwing lunch. mukha akong kawawa.

habang nasa jeep naisip kong wala akong mapapala sa aking pagpunta sa lugar na iyon. aatras na sana ako pero huli na dahil pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay narating na namin ang aming destinasyon.

public service announcement #3

2011-06-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

kung mahaba ang payong mo, isipin mo laging hindi lang ikaw ang naglalakad sa daan. may mga taong nasa likuran mo.

craving

2011-06-24T04:44:00.000+08:00

for the nth time i found myself craving for something after a hot and steamy sex. no, it is not more sex. not more men. not more meat.

walking around the neighborhood wearing sando and boxers i stumbled upon the thing that i was craving for.

i ate it with pineapple juice on the side. guilt-free.

sabbatical

2011-06-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

at first they do not see you as a person but merely an object of ire and ridicule. they sluggishly stand to greet you because they are required to do so. eyes rolled when you introduced yourself. more eyes rolled when you told them the subject you are going to teach. more than half of the time you know they are not listening to what you say.

these plus a lot more were never mentioned in text books. your college professor may have mentioned solutions to your classroom problems; you tried them all but failed. your colleagues tell you that you can do everything a good teacher does but you will end up short. you are about to give up and become one of them - teaching for the sake of teaching, but then you remember that you are there not just to become a good teacher but to become one of the best.

and then you start to do better. you try to win the class over one student at a time. you do not impose rules. the whole class makes the rules. you give them choices and responsibilities. you challenge them but you challenge yourself more. damn that voice in your head that tells you that you're only tiring yourself only to fail in the end.

true enough, you succeed. they stand to greet you because they respect you. now they notice how good your penmanship is on the whiteboard because you were not selfish in giving compliments to them. you and your subject are no longer objects of expletives and shooting eyebrows.

surely i am going to miss teaching. i'll be back next year.

nakakaasar talaga

2011-06-11T16:58:00.000+08:00

mahihintay mo ba ako?

nakakaasar. hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam ang isasagot sa tanong niya. walang "block" option ang phone ko kaya natatanggap ko pa rin mga text niya. kahit sinabihan ko na siyang huwag munang magtext o tumawag, may pagkapasaway pa rin talaga siya. nakakaasar.

tanga na kung tanga. gusto ko siya. at malaking bahagi ng katauhan ko ang sumisigaw na hintayin mo siya! wala ng pride pride! tatanda ka na naman magpapakaarte ka pa diyan! ang tagal mo na ngang single! makukuntento ka na lang ba sa one night stand? bobo ka kung ganun!

bakit kasi ganun ang tanong niya?

ano pa ba ang kailangan niyang gawin? may aayusin ba siya? tatapusin? ayaw kong sagutin ang tanong niya ng mas madami pang katanungan.

okay na sana. pagkatapos ko siyang iniwan sa coffee shop nung gabing iyon. okay na sana kung di na siya nagtext. nakakaasar talaga siya. ilang milyong beses ko mang patugtugin ang waiting in vain ni annie lennox wala pa ring epekto. mas nakakaasar ang sarili ko. magrereply na ako.

take your time. -paci

public service announcement #2

2011-06-09T18:16:00.000+08:00

kung ikaw ay isang pasahero ng jeep, matutong mag-abot ng bayad ng iba dahil iaabot din naman nila ang bayad mo.

another closed chapter

2011-06-08T03:04:00.000+08:00

this is our third date. i could say that we are doing good based on my dating history. the first date - dinner and then coffee was memorable. we never ran out of things to talk about and we genuinely laughed at each others jokes. the second date - we went to church to celebrate mass. fortunately were not struck by lightning or got swallowed by a fissure materializing beneath our feet so i think it was a good sign. and then we haven't done it, you know, sex, so it is a plus. so far so good.

there you are waving at me. five minutes late is forgivable. even if you are late for thirty minutes and i am already losing centimeters of patience, it will be okay once i see you smile. your smile is my weakness. i bet you already know that.

i am no reader of minds but i could sense there is something off with you. since we are both starving i just brushed the nagging feeling that i have thinking it will go away after dinner. the pasta and chicken are perfect but not a single compliment from you. no anecdote of your inefficient office mate or the irritating people riding the mrt. not a single joke nor a witty comment. you are oddly silent. i wonder if you are just a doppelganger. the negative feeling did not dissipate during the meal. i decided that i have to bring it up over coffee.

you remind me of a student of mine who was very silent in class. he did not have close friends and he eats his lunch alone. i tried my very best to motivate him but he was not interested enough. one afternoon after dismissal i talked to him. i said that if ever he has any problem, he should not hesitate to approach me for i am all ears to my children. a week after he opened up and told me everything about the turmoil that was going on in their house.

i know you want to tell me something but you are just afraid that i won't understand you. try me.

it never occurred to me that you are too good to be true. i am thanking my lucky stars that after two years of being single, finally i met you. i told myself maybe i do deserve someone like you. i smiled straight to my ears when you said that you like me. now i guess you really are too good to be true.

i will not ask why you chose me. let's say it just happened. that i am a random guy picked out of a population for testing. you just wanted a taste of freedom. too bad you did not expect that you will like me as well. now you are having second thoughts if you will stay with your current partner. it so happened that your relationship is on shaky ground.

of course i will not punch you even if you tell me that i am free to do so. i am not a fan of making scenes. i accept your apology even though it hurts. if you will stay with your partner or leave him, it is up to you. it is just sad that it is over between us. i will leave you now so you will have time to ponder on things.

i know there is a reason why i met you, i just do not know it at the moment. it will come to me if ever our paths will cross again in the future. for now, you are but another closed chapter in my book.

public service announcement # 1

2011-06-03T13:51:00.000+08:00

huwag niyo pong gamiting pam-box out ang anak niyo kung nakikipagunahan kayong sumakay ng bus o ano mang pampublikong sasakyan. maawa kayo sa anak niyo.

ninang

2011-05-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

miss ko na mga halakhak mo.

eto na kami ng mga kapatid ko sa harap ng pintuang may numerong 527 sa itaas. bilang nangunguna sa pangkat, kumatok ako ng tatlong beses at dahan-dahang binuksan ang pintuan ng kuwarto. bumungad sa amin ang isang babaeng nakahiga sa kama. animnapu at limang taong gulang na siya. lumingon siya sa aming direksyon at nagpumilit na ngumiti tanda ng pagbati sa aming pagdating. isa-isa kaming lumapit sa kanya. nauna ang aking kuya at ang kanyang girlfriend, sumunod ang bunso kong kapatid at nahuli ako.

pupungas-pungas pa ako noong linggo ng umaga nang kapain ko ang aking cellphone sa ilalim ng aking unan para magbasa ng mga mensahe. sa screen ng aking lumang k750i - isa lamang na mensahe mula sa aking pinsan. sa pagbukas ng mensahe nawala ang antok ko. parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig.

papunta kami ng hospital. na-stroke yata si auntie. pakisabi sa kanila.

napakabigat ng loob kong lumapit sa kanya. hindi ko man magawang tumingin sa kanyang mukha. napakahirap pigilan ng mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipilit ikubli sa kanya at sa aking mga kasama. ako man ang pinakamahina ang loob sa aming magkakapatid, ako man ang may pinakamababaw ang luha, ayaw kong umiyak. ayaw kong lumuha sa harapan niya. nais kong ipakita at patunayan na matatag ako dahil at para sa kanya.

tatlong linggo na rin ang nakalipas noong huli akong nagpunta sa kanila sa cainta. ako lang sa aming magkakapatid at ibang magpipinsan ang sinisipag bumisita at matulog ng ilang araw sa kanilang bahay. sa bawat punta ko, lagi niyang itinatanong kung hanggang kailan ako sa kanila at kung kailan ako babalik. hindi siya nauubusan ng kuwento sa mga nangyayari sa mga pinsan ko at sa iba nilang kapamilyang nasa abroad. bakas sa kanyang mukha ang kasiyahan simula sa pagkakita niya sa aking pagkatok sa gate hanggang sa aking pag-alis.

nakakapit ako sa kanyang kaliwang kamay habang hinahaplos ang kanyang noo. hindi ko magawang magsalita. naramdaman ko na lamang na yumakap sa akin ang isa kong pinsan na kanyang inalagaan simula ng sanggol pa ito. mahigit dalwampu at anim na taong pinagsilbihan ni ninang ang pamilya ng aking pinsan. inalagaan niya silang lahat. siya ang saksi sa masalimuot na relasyon ng aking tito at tita. siya ang tumayong ikalawang magulang ng aking mga pinsan kahit may mga pagkakataong hindi man nila siya bigyan ng respeto.

buti naman dumating kayo. alam ko hahanapin ka niya kahit di siya nakapagsasalita.

paralisado ang kanang bahagi ng katawan ni ninang. sa loob ng ilang araw ay malalaman kung gaano katindi ang pinsala ng stroke sa kanya. malaki pa rin ang aking pasalamat at hindi pumutok ang apektadong ugat sa kanyang ulo. hindi man siya nakakapgsalita, hindi man niya maintindihan ang lahat ng aming sasabihin, ang mahalaga hindi pa siya nawala sa amin.

minsan naitanong ko sa kanya kung bakit hindi siya nag-asawa at kung ano ang gagawin niya kapag matanda na siya. ang sagot niya ay tama na raw na naalagaan niya kaming magpipinsan at sa kanyang pagtanda, kung wala man mag-alaga sa kanya ay pupunta na lamang siya sa home for the aged.

sinagot ko siya noon na imposibleng walang mag-aalaga sa kanya dahil andito kami.

magpagaling ka lang. madami kaming mag-aalaga sa iyo. aalagaan ka namin hanggang sa marinig naming muli ang iyong halakhak.

bakya

2011-05-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

how i do look? she asked.

she is wearing a simple-cut, long-sleeved, turquoise blouse which only heightens her white complexion. then we paired it with a matching gypsy-like skirt which covered her waist down to her legs revealing only her feet and heels. on her wrist is an aquamarine bracelet which was given to her by my sister. a pair of dangling cerulean earrings accentuates her tiny ears which looked so evident with her new bob haircut.

you look so beautiful. wear these so it'll be perfect. i answered.

i handed her a pair of sandals.

she took the sandals and then she smiled at me.

i think you'll get cold there so wrap this around you.

of course i need not tell her that. she knew exactly what to do with the moss green shawl.

she looked into the full-length mirror and turned around with delight. from left to right she moved her head to see the pretty earrings sparkle. she lifted one of her feet to examine the fit of the sandal. then she nodded with affirmation.

we need to go now. we don't want to be late for the birthday. i never intended to ruin the moment but i had to.

birthday? i thought we're going to the dance? she replied.

we will dance there of course. i assured her. have i mentioned before that my lola is the dancing queen?

i took her hand and escorted her out of her room. she managed to take a last glance at herself thanks to the living room mirror. we were about to go out of the front door when she paused and stared at me,

thank you for the bakya. i love them.

to be honest, i was not the one who bought the sandals but who cares, for now i'll let her hold on to the thought that they were from me.

dear ma,

2011-05-07T13:25:00.000+08:00

first and foremost i would like to apologize for last year because i have not written anything that would make you the best mother in the world although we know you would win hands down given that we your children are the judges.

next i would like to apologize again for i am still not going to write anything that would make you the best mother in the world for this year.

of course there is no such thing as a contest on being the best mother in the world.

just like last year, i thought of making this post for you even though i know you will not read it since it would be posted online and you hate reading english.

similarly, i tried so hard to come up with the right words.

i thought of telling the whole online world how you went to manila from bicol because you had to work in order to support your family which started your career in household and family management. (i always say that you already have a phD in family life and childhood development which no diploma can attest to). and just like in any romantic movie, i would relate how you and pa met each other, then fell in love, got married and started your own family complete with the essential information and details.

then maybe tell of how you and paw managed to send us to a private catholic school for our elementary education because you hoped that we would learn a lot in that school which we did only that we did not become devout christians.

after that episode would be how you handled the four of us in our adolescent years filled with teen angst and rebellion. i know nothing beats my story in this part. drama again with realizations and resolutions.

i would end it by thanking you for everything that you have done for me and for the rest of the family and tell you how much we love you invoking all the drama and tears that your favorite teleserye does to you everyday.

and just like last year, i will not be telling those things this year.

a plain HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MAMA again.

p.s. but do not worry, i will be writing your story soon which the whole world will see in maalaala mo kaya (will you remember? or is it remember you will? whatever).

fluffiness

2011-04-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

i was watching this last thursday and it reminded me of you. di ko alam kung bakit. but it made me smile.

sumpa na naman

2011-04-20T20:03:00.000+08:00

friend 1: sinumpa yata tayong lahat.

paci: bakit naman?

friend 2: kasi single tayong lahat.

paci: oh...

friend 1: ikaw paci, matagal ka ng single. tumagal tagal pa ng konti magiging old maid ka na.

paci: twenty-seven pa lang naman ako this year. di pa ako nawawala sa kalendaryo.

friend 2: sabagay may ka-date ka kanina. sino naman yun? si atenista?

paci: wala na si atenista. friend ko yung kasama ko kanina.

friend 1: what kind of friend? kissing friend?

paci: sabi niya friends kami. edi friends. very wholesome di ba.

friend 2: partner material?

paci: malayo eh. fixated sa ex niya. kaya ayun, friends kami...

friend 1: malabo yan.

friend 2: single ladies pala drama natin ngayon.

paci: feeling ko magkakaroon na ako ng partner next month.

friend 1: paano mo nasabi?

paci: wala lang. basta...

friend 2: premonition?

paci: parang ganun na nga.

friend 1: kaya siguro nagbreak ang mga may jowa sa atin dahil magkakajowa ka.

paci: ganun ba yun?

friend 2: baka eto na ang sumpa.

paci: wow may sumpa na naman pala tayo.

all: omg.

the talk after...

2011-04-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

i was about to pick up the rest of my clothes when he invited me once again to join him in bed. i sat on the edge but then he asked me to lie down on his chest. his voice was filled with sweetness. he took my hand and gently rubbed it. slowly he enveloped me around his arms. i then felt the tightness and warmth of his hug. though i never expected that he is into cuddling, i restrained myself and rendered my mouth speechless for i did not want to ruin the moment.

my head resting on his chest, i felt the beating of his heart. he moved one hand upward from my back to my head and ran its fingers through my hair. i raised my head and then we met eye to eye. his eyes no longer have the flame which burned both our bodies and souls an hour ago. the windows to his spirit spoke of a language which could not be transmuted into words. it was affection.

growing conscious of his gaze i gradually turned my eyes off his. then he spoke.

please tell me that was not just sex..

slowly i released myself from his arms and lay beside him. i did not know what and how to answer him. a thousand thoughts traversed through my head. taking my time to organize my answer, i just stared at his face. i was about to break the silence...

i'm sorry. i know this is just a one time thing. we agreed on it. but what we did. it was different. the way we kissed. the way we looked at each other. the way we moved. everything. i felt it and i hope you did too. if i turn you off with this, it's okay. i'll understand. i just had to say it.

i gave a little nod but my face remained expressionless. this is not the first time something like this happened to me after the sex. he is not the first guy to say all those things to me after the sex. i had two options.

i could choose to easily burst his bubble and crush him. i will tell him that i am really passionate when it comes to sex and that i know how to please my partner in bed. and that i do not do reruns. i will ask him to delete my number for i will also delete his. we will not see each other anymore and if ever we do by accident, we'll just ignore each other.

or i could choose to pretend that i did feel what he felt. i will tell him that he really is different as compared with the rest of the partners that i had. it was serendipity that we met and we should see if we are bound for something serious. this is a good start for a possible relationship.

the old me only had two choices. he is very strict when it comes to one night stands. sex is just sex. it is only and will only be a physical thing. once the libido has died down, we clean ourselves, dress up and go home. i will hunt again for the next prey when the pangs of hunger could no longer be pacified. if i do it with passion, if i make it look and feel different for you, it really does not matter. i just do it that way.

i have to be honest with you. what we had was sex. and it was great. if it was different with your other experiences then i'll take it as a compliment. although i do not see this as a good start for something serious because a part of me is old school and traditional, i am willing to take my chances.

his face lightened up. he smiled at me.

so will you come back? will we see each other again?

i grinned.

well let's see.

on failing marks

2011-04-01T23:18:00.002+08:00

i've encountered colleagues who find it difficult to give a student a passing mark.

he is too lazy...
she did not pass her projects..
his quizzes and exams were too low..
he often sleeps in class and does not pay any attention..
she is always late..

the list goes on. while i do not question why they give axes or f's, it bothers me whenever they speak of it as if they are proud and contented with what they have done. and that giving a failing grade is like already a habit to them. maybe there is a guiness record for a teacher who failed the most number of students which i haven't heard of. if there is one then that for me is downright stupid.

once i was asked why i do not give failing grades. of course i also have my own list of reasons. allow me to enumerate in random order of significance.

1. i do not want my students to lose their confidence.
2. there are options rather than giving them a failing grade (project, additional quizzes, written reports etc.).
3. if they fail then i have failed them.
4. i still have a lot to learn when it comes to teaching.
5. even if i have already learned a lot about teaching, it is still not enough reason to fail a student.
6. i am still a student myself and will always be a student for that matter.
7. no matter how hard i try i am not always an effective educator. am i the perfect teacher? of course not.
8. i do not give failing grades because i know that my students learn a lot from me.

the list goes on.

as the year draws to a close

2011-03-31T10:29:00.000+08:00

i hope my voice won't crack as i mention each of their names
and my tears may not fall as i take a glance when they receive their diplomas
as they come up stage with a smile on their face
proudly i could say that i've done my job
a good one at that.

when the moment comes for them to throw their caps into the air
i hope they will treasure the times we spent together
surely many will forget most of the lessons i taught
it's okay
but i pray they won't forget me because i won't forget them

during these times i am reminded
that selfish and envious people should never be in this profession
i shared my mind, my heart and my life to my children
so that they may become better people
that they may become better than who i am

their success now is also my success
and i am looking forward to that fateful day
when they are already professionals

if they do still remember me after all those years
then i have not only done good but better

image from here.

no shortcuts

2011-02-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

thanks for giving me a son. st. bernard is really adorable. as much as i appreciate the gesture, you didn't have to do it. i have to say it was too much. if you could have only seen the commotion in my workplace that day. even the ladies told me how long my hair was and they were planning to braid it. i pretended i did not know who sent st. bernard but i know it was you.

the other day when i finally decided to send you a message, i was thinking that i would only thank you. then you replied. you requested if we could start all over.

i would be lying if i tell you that i don't like you. and that i don't want to give us a second chance. have i told you that i am a very very bad liar? of course i haven't. i am like a cling wrap - clingy and transparent.

experience taught me not to rush things especially when it comes to entering a relationship. i learned it the hard way i tell you. i ended up sad and pathetic. finally i decided not to be stupid anymore. so i hope you understand that we do this slowly. like the long method we used in mathematics. no shortcuts.

here's to a second chance.

p.s. see you soon.

a son

2011-02-21T23:28:00.000+08:00

last thursday a lady came by our office. she said she was looking for someone. i was busy fixing my things when my colleagues asked for the name of the person she was looking for. she then announced my name. i looked at her and saw that she was holding a big white paper bag with lots of blue stars. she was about to hand me the paper bag and a white envelope then i asked her if she got the name correctly. smiling she answered that she is certain.

i opened the paper bag. my lady colleagues got kilig. the guys cheered. they all asked who the sender is. i opened and read the letter.

it said, something to remember me by...

no name was written. i took the content of the bag and found a tag.

please adopt me, my name is st. bernard.

i now have a son.

real best friend

2011-02-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

this weekend i pondered on the thought that i need a best friend.

three people claim or claimed to be my best friend.

one is a former suitor who somewhere along the courting stage decided that he no longer wanted to become my partner but my best friend instead. all was going well until he found himself a partner. he changed his number so we lost contact. he never replied to my messages on friendster. last year i found him on facebook so i thought we will be reunited but then after he approved my invite he no longer replied to my messages.

the second is a former friend of a former partner. my partner introduced us to each other and then poof! we instantly connected. during the first year we talked and spent a lot of time together. he is monogamous but he falls in love so easily. the result was his relationships only lasted a few weeks. at present we still do exchange text messages but i noticed that i need to text him first. he said that he is busy with work and his current partner.

the last is my ex-boyfriend jun who proclaimed that i am his best friend because i know him too well. he tells his sexcapades in full color that i could compile and someday publish them (with his permission of course). he never fails to ask for advice but he also never listens to what i say. he too is very busy with work.

i know all of them too well. i could finish their sentences and predict what they're going to do. not that i have placed them in boxes or that they're pretty predictable. perhaps i just have a keen sense of foresight.

i do not see them as user-friendly people. in the first place i am all available to my close friends, what more to someone who claims to be my best friend...

the selfish me is wanting to have a best friend who would look after me as well.

a close friend told me it is easier to find a partner than a best friend. since i am light years away from finding a partner, then finding a best friend seems close to impossible. sad.

tonight while channel-surfing, i heard this line from a characeter in a series which i had no intention of watching,

self-pity is never pretty.

i repeated it in my head three times. then i just had to say it again. to myself.

self-pity is never pretty paci.

and so here i am waiting happily for a partner or a best friend to come.

whew

2011-02-16T14:53:00.001+08:00

february 14 = valentine's day = singles' awareness day

i'm glad it's all over. whew.

image from here.

high school reunion part 2 : the prom

2011-02-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

the dance floor was crowded but it only invited more pairs to play the please don't step on my shoe game. others contented themselves in guarding tables and finish the glass of red wine that was served earlier that evening during the toast. the teachers watched closely as their students made a pathetic attempt at dancing something romantic. one pair stood out as they were dancing to a tune known only to them.

we shouldn't be dancing like this. we should dance slowly. can't you hear the song?

yes. i'm your angel by celine dion and r kelly. so what? we like upbeat moves.

but everyone is staring at us.

i don't care.

haha. oh by the way, you look different tonight.

different? how?

you look like a girl.

is that the reason why you asked me to dance?

not really. yesterday when apol asked me who will be my first dance, you're the first one who popped into my mind.

i see. is that good or bad?

i don't know. at least we're enjoying ourselves.

the medley of romantic songs went on. somewhere between it might be you and king and queen of hearts they found themselves laughing at the other couples. one of their classmates lost her balance and was now kneeling in front of her pair. the pair on their right danced like robots. on the other hand the pair on their left was fighting. the guy forgot to buy a corsage for his girlfriend. couples began to leave the dance floor as girls started to complain about their high-heeled shoes.

they're changing the songs. disco music. i like this one.

great. what are you waiting for? put your hands on my waist.

oh-kay. we are definitely going to receive the oddest couple award tonight. aren't you getting tired? your shoes aren't killing you?
not really. why? are you going to ask someone else to dance? someone like kim?

no. why would i ask her?

because she likes you and i caught her staring at you even when she's dancing with someone else.

so i should ask her for a dance because she likes me?

i think so. go ahead. walk me first to our table then approach her.

is it okay if i'll only dance with you? first and last dance?

i didn't know you're selfish misha.

if you want to dance with someone else toni, it's okay. i'm sorry i asked.

toni did not dance with anyone else. she was misha's first, last and only dance during their senior prom.

edna

2011-02-05T10:32:00.000+08:00

i was trying to figure out why i really like this girl. then it hit me. i'm gay. that simple.

reminder

2011-02-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

our mentor back in college once said to our class,

remember that not everyone who stands in front of the classroom is a teacher. even if that person is holding a chalk and an eraser. even if that person has a lesson plan or syllabus. yes, even if that person has a diploma or a degree.

i will never forget that moment.

good omen

2011-02-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

i know him too well. that's what he told me the other day.

it's been a silent rule to introduce your significant other to your group of friends. in our circle, my friends have a habit of bringing along someone whom they are dating whenever we go out. more of like giving us a hint that that someone is a potential partner. it is also customary for the members of the circle to assess the said someone. it is true that no matter how star-crossed you and your partner are, even if your friends do not approve of him, you will do everything to make it work. then again it could be a good omen when you have your friends rooting for you for the success of the relationship.

let me say that my friends are true. they will tell you straight to your face if they don't like your significant other. i recall that i have introduced three of my past partners to my friends. all passed with flying colors.

so the other day my ex-boyfriend jun asked me to meet him and his "someone" this weekend.

anyway my first reply to jun was a big NO. i laid out my reasons - going home to the province to take care of lolo, lots of paper work to finish, chores to do, being overly biased evaluating his "someone", me not a good judge of character, etc. he answered with a lot of please and that i am the only person he would authorize to do so.

he said that they have been seeing each other for the last two months. according to him, "someone" is tall, good-looking, sweet and smart. well if i am to evaluate, frankly i have no use for temporal descriptions. the last trait is still very much in question since i'll be the judge to that. of course "someone" does not need to have a higher iq than me.

it's odd really. i never expected he would turn to me for something like this.

even if we are no longer together, you are the only one who knows me too well. don't worry he will be worth your time.

maybe he thought that my approval would be a good omen. i already lost count how many times he said please. i only hope he really is worth my time.

p.s. thank you for your prayers. my lolo was released from the hospital this afternoon.

cookies and milk

2011-01-31T00:28:00.000+08:00

one windy saturday afternoon, an old lady was sitting on a bench made of bamboo in the porch of a house. she was looking at a wide open space of grassland with some scattered trees like coconut, narra, ipil-ipil and acacia. a herd of goats and sheep were grazing at a far distance. just outside the porch a brown dog was happily wagging its tail while a ginger cat was lazily lying on its back. from time to time the old lady would turn her eyes to a brown handbag on her side. then she would pick it up and delve into its contents.

some half an hour passed, a young man in his mid-twenties sat beside the old lady. he was holding a warm glass of milk and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. the old lady smiled and asked the young man if she could take a bite off a cookie. the young man answered that she could eat all the cookies in the plate. then the old lady asked if she take a sip of the warm milk. the young man replied that she could drink the whole glass. after hearing this the old lady took a cookie and dipped it into the glass. she ate all the cookies with gusto and then she emptied the glass of milk. she then thanked the young man for the treat.

the young man took the plate and the glass; he stood up and was about to go when the old lady spoke,

do you know where my husband is?

the young man sat beside her again and gave her a hug.

he is in the hospital. he is sick again. but the doctors are doing their best so he could come home soon.

then the old lady sighed,

i miss him.

and the young man answered,

i miss him too lola. we both miss him.

the call

2011-01-24T01:32:00.002+08:00

hello paci. still remember me?

of course tattooed guy. it's been what, a year?

yes i think so. sorry i was busy with the review and other stuff.

oh okay. good thing you still have my number.

i won't forget someone like you.

really. bolero. haha.

seriously. when is your free time this week? let's meet.

i am not yet sure..

sige na. please. huwag kang magtampo na ngayon lang ako ulit nagtext.

actually di naman ako nagtatampo. are you asking me out?

edi good. hehe. i'll see you on _______day. ikaw bahala. date or...

date or sex...

we could do both. your choice. please. miss na kasi kita.

okay sige. let's meet.

and let's do both. hehehe. see you!

pre-sad post

2011-01-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

less than a month from now the world (or most of it) will celebrate valentine's day. in this part of the globe which really is not much given that my circle of personal space is not spacious, we call it single awareness day or sad. while the world outside mine will overflow with mushiness, cheesiness and luuuuuv, we on the other hand will contemplate on this...

photo from here.

juan

2011-01-16T21:51:00.000+08:00

i asked my apo when can i go out again and spend some peaceful time on my duyan...

given the choice, i would prefer to retire at our house in bicol where i would look after our acres of rice paddies. there i take delight in the company of my relatives even though they always borrow money from me. every summer during the barangay fiesta my children and grandchildren will visit me and my loving wife lucia. come the holiday season we get to visit them as we will spend a few weeks in the house one of our daughters.

no thanks to the problem with my prostate, i together with lucia has to stay in nene's house so they could take care of us. which in some way is good for i get to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren most of the time. the downside of this is that it gets utterly boring especially when they won't let us do anything as if we are limbless bodies. we are not allowed to get tired because we are already old. bah! that is so stupid. sure there are times when i experience dizzy spells for i may have vertigo and then my hearing has already waned but a few months ago i am still strong as an ox. actually i sweep dry leaves and other mulch, water flowering plants and root crops and remove weeds in nene's garden.

my wife lucia does not mind being treated as vestigial of course she being an ulyanin. all she cares about are her belongings all wrapped and tied with a blanket. every afternoon much to her chagrin i check if she has included things which aren't hers in the pile. true enough i would find combs, soaps, fruits, toys and even money in the wrapped package. on one hand she never gets tired of preparing her baggage and of asking when we will go home. on the other hand i never fail to sort out her things and to answer her that we will leave tomorrow.

an idyllic time of the day for me is when i take a nap on my duyan. it is tied to a jackfruit tree on one end and to a narra on the other. here the wind is blowing mildly to induce a good slumber. this is the perfect place for a siesta i tell you. it reminds me of my home in the hills of albay.

a week before christmas i was admitted to the nearby hospital because of fever and difficulty in breathing. my children and grandhildren took turns in taking care of me. i grew weak being bedridden for a few days and maybe because of the medicines that i was taking. thank heavens i was released before the twenty-fifth but i have to return for follow-up after the holidays and then i have to take a lot of medicines for maintenance. ironically i know nothing of the ailment that struck me. my children never tells me anything. i guess when you are this old, your children assume they have your best interests at heart and therefore make all the decisions for you.

due to my condition i spent the last few weeks resting. every morning and afternoon i get to spend an hour or two outside on a wheelchair being assisted by a child or a grandchild of mine. as much as i appreciate their care, i still want to show that i am not just another burden to them. i eat a lot and take my medicines on the dot. when i am lying on my bed and i want to sit, i no longer require their help. every now and then i also walk a few steps around the room but i have to rely on my apo to be my crutches.

with most of my strength regained, i was hoping that i could now spend siesta time on my duyan under the jackfruit and narra.

...my apo forced a smile and said that he could take my duyan inside the house if i want it so badly. i told him it's different when the you are on the duyan with the breeze making you feel more alive. he kissed me then he rubbed my head and pinched my nose.

i am often told that i look like you lolo. that's why i was named after you. he said.

i could not agree more. i answered.

wardrobe

2011-01-16T01:56:00.000+08:00

let me see what i have here.
no.
maybe.
not this.
perhaps.
nope.
possibly.
hell no.
could be.
not in a bajillion years.
perchance.
another no.
this could work.
not at all.
capital N-O.
okay enough. i am so moving on.

sir, how about these?

this will make her look fat.
so not her color.
this is appalling.
hmmm i like this one.
this will make her look old.
well this one is nice.
wow this is definitely horrendous.
me like this.
and this one as well.
this goes with one of her sandals.
this won't go with anything.
and this one.

hey, any luck?

oh good you're here. now try these.

one of the reasons why my sister loves me and the fact that she has a gay brother.

peeled grapes

2011-01-13T12:12:00.000+08:00

what are those?

grapes. you and juan don't like the skin so i peeled them for you.

are they delicious?

yes of course. they're your favorite. here have some.

sweet. i'll give some to juan.

take all of them. we have more in the ref.

oh thank you.

you're most welcome.

is there a sayawan later?

i don't know. why?

you should go out more often. you haven't introduced a girlfriend to us.

*murmuring* i am miles away from having a boyfriend. having a girlfriend would then be light years away.

you're saying?

nothing. go give grapes to juan. don't pull his catheter okay.

okay. go out more often. you're spending a lot of your time here.

i really don't mind lola. there will be time for that.

jm_

2011-01-07T01:08:00.001+08:00

the strawberry frozen yogurt tastes really really good;

and i apologize for not making it the first time we planned to meet.

perhaps i am a year too late but...

i hope i was worth your time.

thank you so much.

image from here.

my favorite verb

2011-01-06T11:28:00.000+08:00

when they're smiling as you enter the room because they want to see you or there is something funny about you..

when their eyes are fixed on you even for just five minutes, listening to every word you say or just wondering where you got your hideous polo..

when they're actively and happily doing their activities and experiments accidents included..

when their arms are up in the air waiting to participate or wanting to go to the bathroom..

when they're giving you the thumbs up after an hour-plus of shouts, laughter and chaos..

i tell myself, maybe, just maybe i have done something good.

image from here.

hs reunion part 1

2011-01-04T12:38:00.000+08:00

he stepped out of the function hall of the hotel and made his way across the balcony. ten minutes was all he could take. the way the man on the microphone speaks seemed like the speech would take an hour or two to finish. one of the things he abhors is a homily especially one that is not coming from a priest. the bottle of beer he is holding made him ponder if it was half-empty or half-full. he rested his elbows on the balustrade as he gazed at the evening sky.

the holiday breeze was blowing mildly as he looked down and stared at the city lights. his eyes focused on the streets below that he barely noticed the faint footsteps slowly coming from behind.

i thought i might find you here, a voice spoke from his back.

he did not even stir his head to see the speaker for he already knew who it was.

really now? he answered nonchalantly. nothing new with the tone of his voice. the same lifeless and monotonous tone which sounded uninterested. a technique of his to ward off not only strangers but people in general.

she did not mind. in fact she was thrilled to hear him speak. she took a few steps and joined him watching the busy cars trudging along the streets below.

actually i got bored with the speech so i decided to go to your table but you weren't there. apol told me you're here. so how are you? it's been a long time i guess.. her voice trailed off.

a long time. which is longer, one year or five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes? actually make that nine years or four million seven hundred thirty thousand four hundred minutes. is that long enough?

bored? it's his usual way of asking. the less words the better. his eyes remained focused on the world below.

you should be the one giving that speech...

one of her homilies was coming his way - she speaking fast plus well-modulated voice minus breathing. he didn't mind of course.

i have nothing against the medical field. i know a lot of successful doctors and successful meaning they are really good. he passing the board exam does not necessarily mean that he is good and in turn successful. what made them decide that he is the "most successful" of our batch? not that i want the distinction for myself of course. you know me, the defender of weak, upholder of what is true and fair and goddess of justice. anyway my point is why not you? i am biased i know right. well i could name five others who deserve to be on that stage way way far than he does. he just copied his way through high school. i made his term papers and reports for crying out loud. tell me that i am not right. he should not be delivering that speech.

he expected it to be longer. maybe she has lost her flame but it could be that now she is more refined. she was deadlier back in high school when she massacred the members of the opposing debate team with her words. cause of death was epistaxis. they bled their noses to death.

then she inhaled. so her sermon may have a sequel which made him turn his eyes in her direction. she was about to utter her first word.

hush now. he said.

then there was silence. his words - like a snake's gentle hiss for peace, rendered her speechless. she was now waiting for his response. a night breeze blew in their direction. he would speak in a slow manner as if every word was his last. as always he is very relaxed and composed.

let him say his speech for he wanted it more than anyone else. indeed it sounds like a frustrated valedictory address but i think he needed it to get over high school. personally i would have been delighted if you were the one speaking of success to our batch mates since many look up to you then and especially now that you are a lawyer. back there i thought you're a superhero of some sort and i think you really were meant to be one. he managed to put up a smile as he looked at her.

about his chosen profession, we are hopeful that he will strive to be a good doctor. i dare not question the award given to him. success and happiness are two different things. we know that. lastly, if it makes you feel any better, the committee invited me first to give that speech. his eyes were now locked into hers.

her eyes beamed and then tension on her face disappeared. she was not supposed to attend the event for she already had plans laid out for the evening. two hours ago she changed her mind though she did not expect to see him here. she came late and saw him seated next to apol, his best friend. actually she was watching him the whole night so when he left for the balcony, she followed.

i'm sorry i brought that speech thing up. to tell you frankly i wanted us to talk about..the softness in her voice sounded as if she was whispering.

us. i thought you do not use introductions. why the sudden change? he answered.

because of that. we changed. high school was so nineties. she spoke like she wanted to go back in time.

we did change and i hope for the better. you are right on the dot. we should be over high school.

he was about to place his hand on hers when they heard someone speak behind them.

sorry to ruin your reunion guys but..

the program of the batch 2001 reunion came to a close and their batchmates were either dancing or taking group pictures. apol invited them to join the rest of their classmates. they made their way back to the function hall. she returned to the table reserved for her and her friends who belong to the "popular" group. meanwhile he and apol took off after posing for a few shots. the night ended but the reunion was far from over.

while waiting

2011-01-02T02:14:00.000+08:00

what are we doing?

we are waiting for juan to arrive.

why? where did he go?

hospital. he was sick.

he left without even saying good bye to me.

he did. well we should be glad that he's coming home.

well i am.

good. that's why we're waiting.

what are you doing?

just look at that point and smile.

okay.

now let's see.

who are they?

that's you on the left and me on the right.

how did we get there?

we used a camera.

okay. we look good together.

oh yes we do.

p.s. sorry for the poor quality of the pic. i used my old phone.

magkamukha

2010-12-23T03:11:00.003+08:00

last week my kids and i celebrated our christmas party. the joy of the holidays was truly in the air as foods were shared and gifts were given. laughter and shouts echoed as games were played and presentations were performed. the gaily-decorated room stood witness to the roar of drums and the shower of confetti. i paused for a brief moment and said to myself that this is one of those simple reasons why my profession is the best.

the party of the faculty and staff started after lunch. one's group performed don't stop believing - singing with some dancing plus sign language. it was evident who won the prize for best presentation. somewhere between the games and the awarding of prizes i received a message about my lolo who was confined a day before the party.

the smile on my face dissipated. suddenly the joy that i was feeling left as if it was sucked out of my soul. a thousand thoughts streamed through my head. when i realized that i was in the middle of merrymaking, i forced a smile to hide the air of dread which started to envelope me. i wanted to run, or to fly, or to dematerialize where i am and materialize in the hospital where my lolo is.

room 203. i knocked before gently opening the door.

it was friday then. the pupils of kindergarten II section red made haste towards the waiting area of the school. they ran and screamed while rushing to meet their guardians. on one hand i pulled my stroller, on the other are my lunchbox and my envelope containing my colorful art works. my classmates and i raced along the corridor and hallway. with a few meters away from the waiting area, i halted to survey the people. mama was not there. my eyes began to wander and as i gazed upon a tall mestizo i quickly ran towards him.

siya ang lolo ko. i proudly announced to my classmates.

magkamukha kayo ng lolo mo. they answered.

he was sixty-three then. lolo looked so tall and strong for his age i wished i could be like him when i grow up.

anak. cancer. malala na daw sabi ng doktor.

i could not utter a word. i held back the tears and hugged my mother so lolo would not be bothered from his nap and hear her weeping.

he woke up with me sitting on his bed. i kissed him on the cheek and told him that he will get better and we won't have to spend christmas in the hospital. he smiled as tears fell from his eyes. my tita said that i was the first of his grandchildren to arrive. when lolo fell asleep i excused myself and went out of the room. a minute later i found myself inside the hospital chapel. i wept. then i prayed.

two days ago lolo was released from the hospital. one of my requests was granted. we won't spend christmas in the hospital. now as i watch him sleep, still i see the tall and strong mestizo from my pre-school years. i may have grown taller. pero magkamukha pa rin kami.

p.s. if you may include my lolo juan in your prayers, i would be very grateful. merry christmas to you and your loved ones.

interview part 2

2010-12-14T11:45:00.001+08:00

five students composed the group doing the interview. let me call them ck, josh, nico, anne and love. all prepared their questions - personal, professional, serious and not-so-serious. they took turns in asking while i answered their queries and relished the attention that they were giving me.

josh: please tell us something about your family. do you have siblings? do you still live with your parents? how important is your family to you?

paci: one by one okay. when i speak of family, i do not just tell something because i tell a lot. though my parents are bicolano, our family is based in pampanga. my father is managing a poultry farm while my mother is a plain housewife. they both did not finish college so they worked hard to give us the education that they didn't have. i have two brothers and a sister. here in metro manila my sister and i stay in one apartment. our eldest, a chemical engineer got married last year and is now a father to an adorable baby girl. my second kuya works in laguna as an engineer though he is actually a physicist. my sister is a food technologist and is working at pcierd in bicutan. i usually spend the weekend in the province to be with my parents, my grandparents and the rest of the family. that is how important they are to me. we have little or no concept of a nuclear family. my mother being the eldest looks out for her siblings and other relatives sometimes to a fault but then there is a saying that we do not make apologies for our family. the family is a given or a default. we did not choose our family but in the end it is what we have.

nico: how were you as a student?

paci: may i say that i will forever be a student. everyone is a student no matter how many degrees or titles they may have. as a student, i am just like you. i have interests but i also get bored so if i have a teacher then i should be well-motivated so i will learn. when i was in elementary i liked all my subjects thanks to my teachers who made their lessons interesting. when i was in high school i got bored most of the time because i got accustomed to what my grade school teachers did. i felt that my brain shuts down whenever the lecture was boring. during college i really did my best to digest and learn what i can. that's for acads. as to my personality, i could be the silent-type who just throws one-liners from time to time or i could be the center of conversation who starts the noise. i am the good student complete with halo on my head but i am also the student who silently criticizes people. i am the leader who rallies the group but i am also the member who refuses to participate. in summary i could say that may topak ako na estudiyante.

ck: what can you say about the remark of rosanna roces which says that teachers are just repeaters?

paci: wow serious ah. what ms. rosanna roces said is true. what we impart to you, our students, is not originally ours. knowledge should come from somewhere. one of the things that teachers do is relay that knowledge to students. she definitely had a point when she said that but i could say for myself and for other teachers who do their best that we do not just repeat the things that were taught to us. we make it more interesting. we update our facts and information. we relate it to other topics. i guess she did not have good teachers during her time and that is sad.

anne: do you see yourself growing old and still being a teacher?

paci: i would not have chosen to become one if i was not able to foresee myself growing old in this profession. even after i go bald and all, i will still teach.

love: do you have plans of leaving the country?

paci: if i will leave the country to study or just to travel then why not? i will be very happy to go abroad only after i visited the scenic spots here in the country. hindi pa nga ako nakakarating ng visayas o mindanao eh.

ck: what do you do during your spare time?

paci: i am a teacher. i do not have spare time. joke! a lot of things. i go out with my friends - movie, dinner, coffee. of course i spend more time with my family. i also play computer games. i listen to music most of the time. food trip. ano pa ba?

ck: do you have a crush on your fellow teacher?

paci: show-biz naman ngayon ah. yes i have a crush. i find her cute and witty. i admire her work ethic. i think you have an idea who she is.

anne: sabi ko na nga ba sir crush niyo si ms. ________!

first batch of questions done.

osp #3

2010-12-13T22:17:00.002+08:00

some may still be living in the past while some may be living for the present; why not choose to live not just for the present but for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow?

image from here.

interview part 1

2010-12-09T00:24:00.004+08:00

to be honest, when i was your age i never saw myself becoming a teacher. even my closest friends were shocked when i told them that i am in this profession. actually my former teachers were in total disbelief when they discovered that i am now one of them. come to think of it, i have so many interests that teaching maybe the last path that i would have thought and taken when i entered college. but i guess even when you crossed several paths and meandered through a lot of roads, if one thing is meant for you then it will happen.

it is not every year that i get to be interviewed by students so when a group approached me to be part of their english project, i had no other answer but a resounding YES!

we set the date and time for the interview - friday after class in the laboratory. i was not comfortable in the faculty room. who knows what my students would ask me? i did not want my fellow teachers to eavesdrop and the laboratory is my territory so i would be at ease there.

i am no celebrity so i really did not prepare like i will be in oprah or ellen although i have anticipated some of the questions that the group would throw at me. as with every class that i handled, i would like to create an inviting atmosphere with the them so they would be as candid as i am. of course when the question is somewhat serious, i would try my best to give a serious answer. a part of their grade will depend on me.

after a brief introduction of myself a student of mine immediately threw this question: have you always known that you will become a teacher?

i gave my answer then i told them to keep the questions coming until they or their recorder tires out.

to be continued...

osp # 2

2010-12-06T14:50:00.002+08:00

charlatans dwell in babble while the wise ones wait for the perfect time to speak.

image from here.

saturday random movie

2010-12-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

i found it odd that i cried over a non-animated movie but it was oddly good if ever there is such a thing.

this afternoon i randomly chose something to watch from my brother's downloaded/copied movie collection. i guess it was serendipity that out of a jillion flicks in his 1 terabyte hard drive i chose a movie version of a play. i never saw it before so i had no idea of its plot though i know it is a popular. into the movie i realized it was in-tune with the world aids day celebrated last wednesday.

i won't dwell on the details. it had a lot of touching moments which did struck a chord or two just like when i watch animated movies e.g. land before time, up, monsters inc.

rainy saturday morning messages

2010-12-04T05:30:00.001+08:00

i woke up for my supposedly saturday morning jog but the raindrops happily dancing on the rooftop suggested it would be better stay in bed until they are done with their intermission number. not wanting to go back to dreamland, i fixed myself and started with basic exercises. fully stretched and awake i lay down on the mat and did my pilates routine. if i wasn't able to jog, at least i burned some calories. i could have chosen tae-bo or hip hop abs but then it would be noisy and i didn't want to wake other people especially my sister who relishes extended sleep every weekend.

after fixing myself a bowl of oatmeal i checked my phone for missed calls and messages because last night i left it in my pocket. i have forgotten all about it thanks to dota. one missed call and three messages. the missed call was from a high school friend who is also a teacher. currently she is taking her masters degree at la salle. last semester we planned to watch a basketball game given she has a huge crush on a player from adamson. it didn't happen. last time we texted she was dying to see a volleyball game. i have a feeling we won't be able to watch one again. hark hark.

moving on to the three messages. one from fofo (my father), the next one from a former lover and last from a former fling.

papaw asked if i would be spending the weekend in the province. clearly they miss me already after not coming home last time. i'm guessing mamaw (my mother) likes to have a break from taking care of lola. of course when i'm there and then she would yell ANAAAK!, she would be referring to me moreover she is assigning me to watch over lola. that's how she trained her son with all the work in the house. of course taking care of lola would never be a chore for me. i guess for mamaw's other siblings it is a herculean task.

former lover's message seemed generic and group message-ish only that my name was there so i discarded the idea. last week when he finally divulged that he has a lover i was not expecting a message from him anymore. the thought of him with a new partner actually dawned on me when the exchange of messages between us somewhat diminished. a part of me really is happy for him especially when he was bordering on solitary existence when the split-up was still fresh. ironically he immediately found a new love while i am on a glacial pace after i decided to just wait.

former fling wanted to apologize for not being able to take me out after his birthday which was last october. my gift for him is still here - wrapped and dated on his birthday. sad to say that i no longer have the gusto to see him but i guess we were always out of time. not synchronized may be a better way to put it. i foresee that if i reply to his message he would end up telling me to become friends. which in some way is good but i had a history of people telling me that same old worn-out cliche. allow me to be redundant. anyway those who told me to become friends ended up vanishing into thin air. if it turns out that he is one of them then another chapter ends in my book.

i was about to text and reply to them then it came to me that i no longer have credits. nope i do not use chikka. it is still pouring outside.

the new home

2010-12-01T13:19:00.000+08:00

i am out looking for a home. no i was not thrown out from my old one. let me just say i need a better one. a bigger one at that but not too big. a similar case when you buy shoes, you want the right or perfect fit. did you ever feel like you could not breathe because there is not enough space around you? then that particular song plays in your head. no air. no air. well i did. and i do from time to time. i already lost track how many times i moved in my twenty-six years of existence.

call me maarte but it's me.

it is not easy to find a new abode. strange when i say the word new when in fact the next home is like the previous one and the one before - abandoned. discarded. deserted. home. residence. niche. do not start telling me ghost stories. i've heard them all and based from experience, if you give respect to the previous owner then you won't have any problem of the paranormal kind. so where was i?

good thing about living in a deserted home is you are doing yourself and the previous owner a favor. you get what you need for a shelter while keeping the memory of the home alive. mother nature teaches us in many ways to recycle. this my naive mind gets. what i do not get is why hard-headed humans refuse to recycle when it is so easy to do. then they wonder how the heck a plastic cup ends up in the ocean. the irony of being called intelligent.

still searching. it helps when you know how to ask for help. contrary to what they perceive of me, i am pretty sociable. if only pebbles and sand could talk they would tell you how friendly i am. but not to everyone. nowadays it definitely is better to be safe than sorry. and let me dispel the rumor that i am coward. it is not a bad thing to choose peaceful means. i only fight when i really need to defend myself.

right now that i am homeless i am very vulnerable. the stars did not dictate it but my genes. relatively i am still young. inexperienced? you bet. though i dare not say that i am weak, there are times when i am and this is one of those times.

in time i will find a new home. i'll make it very cozy just like the last one. a spare bed or sofa i may not have for you to sleep on but you are always free to visit. oh look, this seems to be a perfect one.

and so the hermit crab found the perfect abandoned shell and is now immortalized in this blog.

osp # 1

2010-12-01T02:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes you need not set a trap in order to catch someone in a very compromising position.

image from here.

missing teeth

2010-11-27T17:08:00.002+08:00

nakita mo ba ang aking ngipin?

i sensed the concern and discomfort in her voice.

it was evening then and we just finished eating dinner. being the dishwasher, i was left behind in the kitchen. halfway through the soaping and brushing lola approached and asked me where her false teeth were placed.

after dinner before going to bed, lola would always brush her dentures and then secure them in a jar which will be kept inside the refrigerator for the rest of the night. i know not exactly the feeling of wearing a dental plate fresh from the fridge, perhaps a cold tingling sensation on your gums. anyway mama thought it would be best to keep the dentures inside the cold storage for safe keeping.

so i paused and left the dishes to show lola that her pustiso was safe inside the jar which in turn was inside the ref.

smiling she said to me, thank you.

you're welcome lola. puntahan mo na si juan (lolo) doon sa higaan niyo para makatulog ka na. i answered.

she went on her way, nodding and still smiling.

back to the dishes. a few minutes passed and i was done using the sponge and the dishwashing liquid. when i was about to start with the rinsing part i heard someone talk.

nakita mo ba ang aking ngipin? again she spoke with concern and discomfort.

when someone would tell me that lola is now makulit, i would immediately answer, well what would you expect? diminishing memory. tingnan natin pag kayo ang tumanda. again i put the rinsing on hold and led lola to the fridge.

lola dito natin inilagay yung ngipin mo para hindi mawala. eto yung lalagayan. kanina pa nakahiga si juan doon. humiga ka na rin para makapagpahinga ka.

she nodded and before she walked towards their room she said, salamat.

walang anuman po lola. matulog ka na. gabi na.

i could not help but smile after that. twice she asked me and twice she thanked me. how could i not love a woman like that? i was almost done when i chuckled at the thought of a third time. it's like a grand slam. a memory to be treasured. definitely a charm.

finally i was done and about to dry my hands with a towel when...

nakita mo ba ang aking ngipin?

after showing her the jar in the fridge i hugged her. then she asked if i will be getting married. funny she never gets tired of asking.

prudence

2010-11-27T12:41:00.001+08:00

one tries to be at hist best when dealing with people. my high school values education teacher says it is called pakikipagkapwa. later on my friends would call it pakikipagplastikan. indeed there were times when one had to socialize no matter how few social skills one has. in a profession where prudence is a prerequisite, one experienced many a time when the line of patience was broken. though many may have resulted to bellowing plus or minus cuss words, one used an indifferent tone with words artfully chosen and coated with sugar so as not to disintegrate the person.

once the line was severed, in time it will grow stronger but then the next time will be worse. so one has to be wiser to keep the mr. hyde lurking within oneself at bay. and one hopes he will be in control most if not all the time.

a nineties band

2010-11-24T11:29:00.001+08:00

definitely it was nostalgia. the scent of nineties was in the air. we were surrounded by people some four years and more older. though my sister and i felt we were "too young" compared to the majority of the crowd, we could not help but sing along with them. come on, it's gin blossoms!

quiver

2010-11-24T02:01:00.000+08:00

have i ever let you down

was there a time

when i failed you

a single moment

when i was not there

at your side

whenever you call

split-second, there i am

if ever you forget

still i am here

just tell me where

to point

i will never miss

image from here.

soemthing for the ears

2010-11-19T13:56:00.000+08:00

as someone who could not live a day without music, i usually take a particular interest in one song and listen to it the whole day or more depending on the level of gusto. when i heard sitti's cover of this song which i do really love, i still could not help but search for another version. yes an older one because i was born in the 80's. i am now officially hooked on tino mina.

Marami na akong nahalikan
Marami pang labing matitikman
Kay rami nang napusuan
Di na mabilang kung ilan
Ngunit ganoon pa ma'y ikaw pa rin

Ikaw pa rin ang s'yang pangarap ko
Di ko man lang alam pangalan mo
Ako'y iyong nginitian at magmula noon
Ang laging nasa isip ko'y
Ikaw pa rin

La ra la la
Na na na la ra la
Yeah

Pangalan mo'y di ko alam
Ngunit saan ka man
Ngayon, bukas, kailan pa man
Ngayon, bukas, kailan pa man
Ikaw pa rin.

whispers

2010-11-18T10:16:00.000+08:00

there he is

standing

staring at me

i see him

he smiles

he whispers

whispers

too silent

i hear not

your voice

your words

i know not

lips moving

carefully

i read

slowly

make syllables

of whispers

faint

but there is

i listen now

yes

i know now

what you say

what you know

music

to my ears

healing

to my spirit

bliss

to my heart.

something for the morning

2010-11-18T02:22:00.001+08:00

i know. i know. i've been silent for too long. well i am a ghost no more. so here's a song to clear the cobwebs in my blog. i just can't help but smile when i'm listening to this while having my morning jog. which i find odd because i usually prefer upbeat or dance music especially in the morning, but then it's nice when people smile back when they see you. anyway, i have so many things to say but i can't put them all in one post so i'll cut this one short. let me just say good morning and have a blessed day!

i love you, but..

2010-11-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

the first three words would definitely sound music to anyone's ears. one could be hearing church bells or angels singing hallelujah or the ultimate-sooper-dooper-romantic-song-for-life. one may be feeling light as a feather floating in mid-air like you are amongst the fluffy cottony clouds in the sky. then you hear the fourth word and...

i love you but i think we will be better off as friends.

i love you but i am in love with someone else.

i love you but i still have to fix my life.

i love you but i am too afraid to get hurt.

...it all changed.

image from here.

isa pang kuwentong ulan

2010-11-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

bakit nga ba tayo tumatakbo? at kumalas siya sa pagkakahawak sa aking kamay.

kasi hinahabol tayo ng ulan! nakangiti kong sagot sa kanya.

mula sa aming kinauupuan ay kitang-kita namin ang malawak na sunken garden. madaming naglalakad, may mga tumatakbo, sa bandang vinzons ay may mga nag-aabang ng dyip, sa may malayong kaliwa ay may mga geodetic engineer na sumisipat ng distansya at sa bandang gitna ng garden nagkalat ang mga naglalaro ng soccer at frisbee. kaming dalawa ni thel ay kasalukuyang inuubos ang barbecue sa isang popular na kainan katabi ng main library.

i-congratulate mo naman ako, sabi niya.

congrats! para saan ba?

naalala mo yung take home exam ko last week?

last week. miyerkules noon at katatapos lang ng experiment namin sa organic chemistry. sa kabila ng pagbuhos ng ulan at pagdagundong ng kulog ay may klase pa rin kami. pauwi na ako ng saktong nagtext siya. imbes na sa katipunan dyip ako sumakay ay tumawid ako sa sakayan patungong philcoa. pagkaraan ng dalawampung minuto ay narating ko ang kanilang apartment.

natagpuan ko si thel sa kanyang higaan na nakatalukbong ng kumot. naisip kong nilalagnat siya.

okay ka lang ba? masama ba pakiramdam mo? bakit hindi ka kaagad nagtext?

hinawi ni thel ang kumot at nakita ko ang isang maluha-luhang imahe ng aking girlfriend. bigla siyang yumakap sa akin. wala naman siyang lagnat o kung ano mang sakit. ang aking girlfriend na kayang magpatumba ng lalake salamat sa tae-kwon-do ay parang isang dagang takot na takot sa pusa. nalaman ko ang kanyang kinatatakutan pagkaraan ng ilang minuto. kumulog.

nang mawala ang takot niya sa kulog ay nakiusap siyang magpatulong sa kanyang take home exams. ipagluluto na lang daw niya ako ng sinigang bilang kapalit. meron o wala mang sinigang, tutulungan ko talaga siya. hindi naman mahahalata ng mga prof niya ang gawa ko dahil alam ko kung paano siya magsulat. naiinggit ako kay thel dahil mahilig magbigay ng take home exams, term papers at reports ang mga prof niya. hindi tulad ko na nababaliw pagdating ng exams sa math, chem at physics.

dapat kasi nag-philo ka kagaya ko o kahit anong course sa cssp o cal. lagi niyang pinupunto sa akin.

ang kanyang ipinasagot sa akin ay ipagtanggol ang abortion gamit ang mga turo sa summa theologica.

anong nakuha mong grade dun sa ginawa natin?

hahaha. tumataginting na 1.5! eh yun ang pinakamataas na ibinibigay ng prof namin.

ayos ah. magaling pala tayo.

natapos ang aming pagkain ng barbecue nang magyaya siyang maglakad patungong vinzons. may nakita kasi siyang nagtitinda ng ice cream. matalas talaga ang mga mata ni thel pagdating sa pagkain. at sa mga lalake. noong isang linggo ay itinuro niya sa akin ang crush niya na laging tumtakbo paikot ng acad oval. noong isang araw ay itnuro naman niya sa akin ang girlfriend nung crush niya.

grabe ang ganda niya. parang nunal lang niya ako sa paa. shet!

at simula noon ay hindi na niya crush ang lalaking tumatakbo sa acad oval.

nangalahati na kami sa paglalakad sa sunken nang biglang umingay ang paligid. sa aming pagtingin sa pinanggagalingan ng ingay ay nakita naming umuulan sa may main library ngunit hindi pa bumubuhos sa aming kinatatayuan. sumigaw si thel.

bilis takbo!

hindi ko na nagawang kunin ang payong sa aking bag. tumakbo kami kasabay ng ibang mga tao sa direksyon ng grandstand para hindi abutan ng ulan. noong una ay nauuna pa si thel sa akin. kinakaladkad niya ako. ilang metro na lang ang layo namin sa pinakamalapit na masisilugan nang biglang tumigil si thel sa pagtakbo.

may payong ka naman di ba?

oo. ako pa. ikaw kasi tumakbo ka kaagad.

eh nakita ko silang tumatakbo. nakigaya na lang ako.

binuksan ko ang aking payong at tuluyang bumuhos ang ulan. noon namin naalalang masarap kumain ng ice cream kahit umuulan at malaming ang panahon.

flahes

2010-10-21T18:46:00.000+08:00

let me retrace what happened yesterday.

i rushed towards the gate as big droplets of precipitation began to fall from cumulonimbus clouds. into the house i went as the first thousand among trillions of droplets made their way back to the earth thus completing the water cycle that was first taught to me back in grade three. my leather shoes survived a downpour. wupeee. i have two pairs extra just in case but of course one would prefer to wear the favorite pair each and every time until they proudly smile after countless trips to the repair shop.

after a very personal moment shining the shoes i turned to the refrigerator with at least a dozen magnets on its door. with the halloween just around the corner i thought of malevolent forces living inside the light-green box of foodies. well no poltergeist or any paranormal activity was going to stop my stomach for something to consume. my hand on the handle sent signals to my brain. flashes. a phoebe-esque moment in charmed.

places and things flashed into my mind. footsteps. supermarket. free taste. cotton. frozen section. a big smile on my face.

immediately i opened the door of the fridge.

a minute later i was eating while watching tv. that was all i could remember.

image from here.

visitation

2010-10-15T02:10:00.003+08:00

where have you been?

here. there. exploring. here, i picked these.

where did you get them?

don't worry. i didn't steal them.

with a wide grin painted on his face, he handed the guy a bouquet of flowers. patting on the earth the guy invited him to take a seat. he pulled a blade of grass and started playing with it, forming knots and braids.

you didn't cry much.

how did you know?

your eyes.

i guess i am not that sad anymore.

he tapped the guy's shoulder. on a tree nearby, two birds were merrily chirping, jumping, gliding and flying from one branch to another. a soft morning breeze began to blow.

what did you tell him?

a lot of things. happy and sad stuff.

he is proud of you.

you think so?

he stood up and raised both his hands to the azure sky. then he looked up and closed his eyes. slowly he breathed deeply. he nodded. then he opened his eyes and looked at the guy.

of course he is. we both are.

thank you.

is now the perfect time for you introduce me to him?

i almost forgot. best friend rolly, meet my best friend paci.

he genuflected and touched the earth. there was a long moment of silence. then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

what are saying to him?

the same words that i tell him everyday. that i will look after you.

both of them stood up and stared at the marble tablet. as they made their way out of the park, two birds on a nearby tree flew to the sky.

see you later

2010-09-22T14:03:00.000+08:00

no i am not really going away. and i am not going to take a sabbatical unlike my original plan because i just cannot and would not leave the blogosphere. it's fun here. we know right. so let me say that i am just going to be busier, weird as it may sound. ~~it's as if i am not busy every single day.~~ i will drop by from time to time to check on you guys and make my presence be felt. parang multo lang. perhaps a post or two every now and then. so there. i have no more to add so i'll leave you (for now) with bloopers from monsters inc. heehee.

expecting

2010-09-20T12:07:00.000+08:00

alam mo na ba dati pa o ngayon mo lang nalaman?

nahalata ko na noong nagkita kami pero di ko lang siya tinanong.

the original plan was to surprise her. our friends, though not all of them are architects love to lay out plans - get-togethers every weekend, vacations to somewhere and birthday parties. most of the plans materialized while some got shelved a week before the event. this one was full-proof. we were to gather at the mall to buy food and other stuffs then go to her house to party. simple as that.

at a time when school and studies kept the whole group occupied and a few exchanges of messages and quotations through sms and e-mail were precious, everyone was excited to see each other. it's been a month since the last get-together. it felt like forever.

she was somewhat the lost sheep of the group. one moment she's there, the next time she's not. though we were studying at the same university, we haven't been able to see each other regularly unlike the year before. i guess it was meant to happen.

our friends graciously informed me of the surprise party on the last minute so i could not say no. they thought i would hesitate to come if i was part of the organizing committee which most of the time i was. good thing i was not busy that day so i let myself be dragged by them from my home to the mall to her home.

along the way i was put on the hot seat no thanks to my show-biz friends. on one hand they kept on repeating the same questions. on the other hand i was consistent with my answers. i nearly convinced all of them that i was doing fine. she and i are doing fine. she and i are friends.

a push on the door bell and a few seconds later there she was standing in front of us.

it was tuesday then. finally i was done with the midterm in differential calculus when i suddenly felt the urge to text her. the message was already sent when i realized that she must have gone home to the province like she always does every tuesday. there i was waiting in line for the jeepney when her reply came. she said that she's still in school because she submitted a written report but she will go home to the province.

ten minutes later we were on our way to sm north edsa. i asked for her plans on her birthday. she had none. at sm north i asked her what gift would i give her. she answered a heavy meal at our favortite burger restaurant. practical as always. i noticed she looked different that day. i was trying to figure it out from the time that i saw her on the steps of as (palma hall) up to the moment when she requested that we window shop for new clothes. i did not utter a single word about it. it was almost seven in the evening when she waved at me after securing a seat on the bus.

our friends were in awe when they saw her. the girls hugged her while crying. the guys turned their eyes on me. i gave a nod to say that i already know. after the salutations the group went inside her house to set up. she and i were left outside. i gave her a hug. we talked for some time and then joined the rest of our friends.

thel's birthday party was a blast.

on our way home everyone was silent save for me and cherie, a close friend of mine. she asked me when i discovered that my ex girlfriend is expecting. as the conversation went on, i told her one of the things that thel requested when we talked.

paci, promise mo sa akin ninong ka ng anak ko.

yun lang pala eh. siyempre naman.

star-gazer

2010-09-18T10:30:00.002+08:00

a feeling of coldness envelopes him as a soft breeze begins to blow. he wraps himself with a thick blanket while he continues to gaze at the night sky. surveying the heavens, he sees no clouds. and luna is only starting with her waxing phase.

slowly he points at a diamond twinkling in the firmament.

betelgeuse, he whispers.

his finger now moves south.

rigel.

moving again. and again. and again.

sirius. aldebaran. pollux. castor.

he goes on until he names all the stars that he knows. smiling with utmost satisfaction he sips from his mug filled with hot tea.

you are orion, the hunter. several stories were told about you. a legendary hunter armed with a club. some said you were slain by the goddess of the hunt artemis. others told you were stung by a scorpion and so when you were placed among the heavens, you and scorpio would not cross paths.

he tells this while his finger is tracing a pattern only visible to his glimmering eyes. his audience are the unmindful insects busy with their nocturnal errands.

in silence he waits. a few minutes passes by and he sighs.

the stars say you will be alone for a long time. he tells himself. after all, he is an astrologer in his past life.

his mug now empty, he now retreats to his tent standing sturdily in the open field. he will sleep soundly while taking an odyssey across the universe in the land of dreams.

image from here.

high school circa 1997

2010-09-17T00:14:00.001+08:00

the mortal man has no idea that he is dealing with the wrong being.

welcome to high school! and since this is a national high school, you expect that students from various elementary schools around the city and nearby municipalities would be here. moreover, most of them are smart like you so if you are aiming for that top spot in the rankings, double your effort. expect a very diverse group of people. although it is okay to be different, try to gain friends. lastly, enjoy.

out of the forty-six students in your class, fifteen graduated valedictorian in their grade school, ten placed as salutatorian and the rest are honorable mentions. from the way everyone introduced oneself, each is a proud product of their elementary school. you could already foresee the tight competition. it is going to be rough and fun.

a few months into the school year, you now have a grasp of who's who in the class - from the ones who love to recite to the ones who are shy, from the mathematicians to the historians, from the ones who could memorize pages to the ones who experience mental blocks. however, you have no idea who among them cheats during exams.

at first there are rumors which you think is not worthy of your attention. you actually find it funny that students who belong to the cream section would actually do it. anyway what is important to you is that you study and you do not deceive others and yourself by cheating in any way. if the others do well with their kodigo or sharing answers or eagle-eyes on the paper of a seatmate then you let them be.

all is well until the day when one of your classmates spills the beans and squeals to your teacher that some of you cheated during the periodical exam in english. you never blame her for doing so because she is doing the right thing and that it is unfair that most of you are studying hard while some are getting away with a high grade with no effort at all. you assume they are experts when it comes to producing answers from other sources other than themselves because you do not notice them at all ergo they do it without any effort.

here comes your english teacher. she asks the class, i am not mad and i will not report this to the guidance officer but please be honest. those who cheated during the exam, please raise your hand.

you look around and see some of the guys and one or two gals raise their hand. at least they are honest, you tell yourself.

okay so those who raised their hand, i would like you to write a letter saying that you won't do it again. also i will ask you to prepare for a special exam tomorrow. i will make a new exam for you so it will be fair to everyone.

it is not really a punishment and it is fair. for you the case is closed and justice is now served. you are now ready to move on with more important issues.

then he begins to speak in pampango. translation: ma'am that is unfair because we are not the only ones who cheated. in fact, everyone in the class cheated. fellow classmates, do not cloak in righteousness, you know you cheated.

your eyes turn to him in disbelief. you could feel your seat mate grasping your arm. you know you did not cheat.

is that true class? did all of you cheat? your teacher now has concern written on her face.

you are still looking at him preaching at his imaginary pulpit. he has a malevolent grin in his face, contented with what he is doing. another word from him and you are going to speak up. you hope he knows his current situation and the predicament that will come to him once you begin to tell your side of the story.

ma'am may i speak? you are hesitant but you need to do this.

yes paci. what is it?

it is not true that everyone cheated. the test paper is the proof. you made me distribute our graded papers yesterday. from there i know that not everyone cheated. i saw all the marks.

and so what if you know all our scores? you still cheated. he speaks in rebuttal.

this is the first time you encountered a gainsayer. you are going to put him in his place and it will make him respect or hate you for the rest of your high school life. you smile at him.

our exam is worth fifty points. may i know who got a score of thirty? you ask your classmates.

not a single soul raises a hand.

how about twenty-five? you ask again and this time five hands are up in the air.

they did not cheat. they are not seat mates during the exam. those who got twenty-four are also not seat mates. and i think most of us are telling the truth. we did not cheat.

how are you so sure that you also did not cheat?

this is the part where you will pity him.

i did not cheat and i have no reason to cheat. you see my dear classmate, i only had one mistake in the exam. the highest score next to mine is twenty-five. you cheated and yet you still got a low score.

you now take your seat and you see your classmates congratulate you for what you have done. you still have no idea of what will happen next but sooner it will be revealed to you that your classmates now respect you maybe not for how smart you are but for things that you hold and represent. yes, even the mortal man repects you.

as you enter junior year, cheating is no longer an issue for the class. your classmates still share answers with each other but no one tells your teacher. you still do not cheat but from time to time you let your hapless classmates see your paper especially if they need a passing mark. you even correct your seat mate if he is sharing the wrong answer to others.

as you pause to recollect, you realize that you are never selfish with the answers. they just need to ask. but that is high school and that you are a student. it is different when you are the teacher.

favorite show #7 -- b't x

2010-09-16T16:23:00.000+08:00

another trip down memory lane! if i may recollect and i hope i am correct, the ultimate b't named rafaello was created through abiogenesis or spontaneous generation. it consumes just about anything and looks like a giant blob. soon it will devour everything in this earth. the abducted dr. kotaro takamiya searches for a way to eradicate rafaello while his brother teppei fights other soldiers of the machine empire to rescue his brother along side the revived b't - x (pronounced properly as "beat x" unlike in the tagalog-dubbed "biti x").

every soldier of the machine empire has a b't which has its own power and abilities. a b't is a mecha powered by the blood of its master. each b't is based on an animal both from myth and reality.

this sci-fi anime combines mythology with technology which i found so cool. b't x is a winged horse - pegasus. je t'aime is a phoenix, raido is a dragon, max is a turtle - all borrowed from the chinese gods suzaku, seiryuu and genbu.

image from here.

a high school poetry

2010-09-16T10:21:00.001+08:00

let me heal the wounds

let me wipe away the scars
of a heart that is broken
of a soul that is tired

let me be your lover
let me be your friend
at least give me a chance
all the pain i will end

when you bleed
my hands will heal
when you cry
your tears i will steal

in the darkest hour
my light will shine
if you feel cold
i am your warmth

take my hand now
we will take a walk
find a place to be alone
i will listen as you talk

answers i do not have
a child i am but naive
wisdom i may lack
hugs i am ready to give

i do not speak riddles
my words do not rhyme
the poet in me is silent
but my stories are sublime

*****
later on it happened
you said good bye
like a bolt of lightning
it crackled and i died

i am healing my wounds
hoping they will not last
my heart is broken
myself i am mending

wiser a bit but still naive
lessons i learned
you taught me well
the wheel has turned

my words still stand
i am always here
maybe for you
or for someone who needs me

*****
i wrote this some time ago
poetry is indeed difficult
to end it i do not know
my words still need to grow

image from here.

september 12, 2010 : 2 - 6 pm

2010-09-14T16:37:00.000+08:00

friend 1: congrats paci! panalo kayo! masaya ako nakabalik sa sirkulasyon ang salinggawi!

paci: congrats sa atin! gumaling naman lahat ng squad. mas matindi labanan next year. hehehe. suwerte talaga ang yellow. yellow yung bulaklak na gamit eh. hehehe.

*****

friend 2: friend panalo kayo! congrats! di ako bitter di tulad ng ibang school mates ko. magagaling talaga kayo.

paci: sa tv ko lang napanood eh. ang ganda ng routine niyo ha! may naruto yung music namin. sa inyo magic knight rayearth! congrats sa atin friend!

*****

friend 3: nangilabot ako sa routine niyo! winner na naman! congrats! sana next year animo squad naman. hihihi.

paci: nangilabot ka doon sa mga sunflower? joke! congrats sa atin! level-up mga squad. mas mahirap niyan ang magjudge. ayos mga pyramid niyo.

*****

friend 4: ang hirap talaga pag unang nagpeperform! kabado kaya nangalaglag. congrats sa inyo. iba talaga pati ang crowd!

paci: hahaha dinaan sa populasyon! oo nga pag nauuna mahirap. congrats sa atin!

*****

friend 5: kuya nakakaasar naman kayo eh! pagbigyan niyo naman kami! hehehe. congrats po.

paci: nakikisigaw lang naman ako eh. di ako yung nagpeperform. aba laki improvement ng squad niyo kaya congrats. superhero talaga!

*****

friend 6: fourth na naman kami! nakatsamba lang last year! congrats sa inyo.

paci: di tsamba ang second niyo last year ha! at maganda routine niyo pramis! congrats sa atin!

*****

kumpleto na sana kaso wala akong friend na galing adamson. dapat siguro 0 - 14 lagi sa basketball para panalo sa cheerdance. joke lang. huwag naman sanang maulit. kakatuwa talagang manood ng cheerdance lalo na pag nakikita mong nagimprove lahat ng schools kaya congratulations sa lahat.

nakakalungkot isipin na imbes na tanggapin ang resulta, may mga taong nagpapaka-ampalaya-bitter-herbs. sino ba naman ang ayaw manalo? natural na maging malungkot kung hindi ikaw ang nagwagi pero sobra na yata kung napakanegatibo na ng mga sinasabi.

mataas ang respeto ko sa mga pamantasan hindi lamang sa mga kasapi sa uaap. sa mga hindi nakakasunod, subukan niyong magkaroon ng mga kaibigan sa iba-ibang unibersidad at malalaman niyo ang sinasabi ko.

blondie -- nine days

2010-09-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

ten bags of blood were infused into his body when his platelet count plummeted to critical level. it was his fourth day in the hospital.

blondie woke up in the middle of the night feeling parched. on his way to the kitchen, he almost fainted. he realized that he was burning with fever. not wanting to alarm his mother of his condition, he forced himself to drink paracetamol and two glasses of water. he also managed to place a moist towel on his forehead. back to sleep he went hoping the fever will be gone by morning because he had periodical exams to take.

unfortunately he was not able to take the exams. his parents decided to bring him to the hospital when his fever did not subside in the afternoon. he was still optimistic that he could go home that day until the doctor wrapped a thick rubber band around his arm and red spots soon appeared. while the nurse inserted a needle in his hand, a little boy was on the other bed crying as another nurse took a sample of his blood. with the needle securely placed, he sat on a wheel chair and he was brought to his room. it was blondie's first time to be confined.

his parents chose a private room so they will be more comfortable. it had an extra bed for his mother and his younger sister to sleep on. he thought he would only stay there for a day or two. later he found out that he would spend more than a week in that room. nine days to be exact.

the next day, he woke up as the nurses took his temperature and a sample of his blood. his mother was not there. the nurses informed him that the fever slightly subsided and his mother went out for a while. he answered that he knew that she went to church to hear mass and will be back after an hour.

true enough, his mother returned. she found her son in his room talking to the two nurses who seemed to have a good time chatting. blondie introduced abby and mitch to his mother who in turn joked that her son's crush will be jealous if she finds out that he is courting another girl. blondie immediately dismissed the idea and told the nurses to visit him during their free time.

the family doctor went to see him come lunch time. she informed his mother that the platelet count was low. blood transfusion will be needed if the platelet count continues to decrease and if epistaxis happens, he will be transferred to manila.

after the three-day periodical exams, his classmates went for a visit. they brought him gallons of distilled water. a girl from another section also paid him a visit. it turned out she has a crush on him. his classmates, including his future girlfriend cheered as they left the room to give the two some time alone. a big smile was seen on his mother's face. he tried a lot of times to start a conversation but the girl was too shy to answer.

that night, the result of the blood test was unfavorable. he talked to his mother about the situation and the possibilities. she completely rejected the idea of his son's departing. when she excused herself to buy snacks, blondie knew that she went to the chapel to weep and ask for divine aid.

weekend came and his brothers went home from manila. they spent the whole saturday with him. the family was complete. blondie realized that he had to triumph over the illness. it wasn't his time yet.

when the first bag of blood was infused, he joked that it contained the blood of corrupt politicians. the second bag is the blood of robbers. murderers for the third. rapists on the fourth and so on and so forth. which would transform him to one or to all of them as the price for being alive. abby and mitch laughed at the thought. his mother was not entertained.

abby and mitch would visit him from time to time. his room was their first stop on their duties. it was also their last before they leave. and in-between during their breaks. his mother would even pack lunches for them. abby is more talkative and bubblier. she calls him honey. mitch would tell him that abby has a huge crush on him. on his eighth day at the hospital, he gave them a bucketful of fried chicken specially-cooked by his father.

every morning he would wake up to find his mother not in the room. he knew that she attended mass and prayed hard. he prayed fervently as well. on the ninth morning, she told him that she was hoping that their prayers would be answered.

after nine days in the hospital, ten bags of blood infused, hundreds of gallons of water consumed, two nurses befriended, a hundred visitors and thousands of prayers on the gates of heaven, blondie was released later that day. he continues to pray for the ones who were struck by dengue especially the children. may they receive healing.

image from here.

blondie

2010-09-11T03:37:00.000+08:00

in the neighborhood where he spent the first seven years of his life, people called him blondie. no one knew who coined that nickname but everyone used it - his playmates and friends, the tindera at the sari-sari store, the sastre at the dress shop, the manong who owns the numerous kalabaws in the field, the barangay tanod - everyone. blondie would have preferred to be called by his real name but he did not get irritated. he found it amusing and strange that they addressed him based on the color of his hair. he was also happy with the attention that they gave him.

if anyone in his neighborhood really knew about colors and shades, he will not be called blondie. in fact his hair was not really blonde. it was just light brown. like khaki. well maybe the people really knew but they just chose blondie over khaki.

blondie lived in a farm. a poultry farm. it was owned by a rich man from the city. at that time, his father worked as the manager while his mother was in-charge of the kitchen. aside from the chickens, a variety of flora and fauna flourished in the farm. when he was still young to enter school, blondie would play with the mongrels and run after the geese. in the morning, he would dig for worms and try catching fish in the pond. during the afternoon, he would climb trees, pick fruits and collect pupae.

blondie's childhood was filled with life and music. everyday he would wake up to the sound of the radio. he did watch television especially his favorite batibot and cartoons but most of the time he would sing and dance with the radio on top volume.

when his family moved to the city, no one called him blondie. only a few people would notice the shade of brown in his hair that has grown dark. twenty-something years later, blondie is no longer the boy who plays all day in the farm.

blondie paused and realized that a lot has changed and he could never bring back the time. this made him sad but then he still managed to put a smile on his face. he made a lot of memories, happy ones. and he still has the music playing.

favorite spell

2010-09-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

it is the perfect time to stay up late. we take out the big black box and the binders. then we start building. you ask me how many of this or that we have in our collection. immediately i will answer and then search for what you need. a few minutes later i will hand them to you. we will pack them in their suitable sleeves and shuffle so they will be evenly distributed. the game starts. we play our spells. we summon our creatures.

the best duelist wins. we all have a great time.

tonight is one of those nights that i wish you are here so we could spend more time together. may it be over beer or movie or cards.

it's been..i do not know how long exactly but i miss us playing cards. i miss it the most.

alas, i am alone. so i'll just run through the binders where the prized ones are well-protected. then i'll wipe the dust and cobwebs in the big black box containing our collection. i'll survey the cards that we have one by one. i know your favorite spells. this is one of them.

matagal na rin tayong di nagkakabonding. miss ko na kayo mga kuya ko.

image from here.

what do you teach?

2010-09-05T13:38:00.000+08:00

a lot of times i was asked, what do you teach?

and then i would always answer, if you're asking the subjects that i teach then that would be high school chemistry and physics but i always think i teach students to become better people.

i hope my fellow teachers see it that way too.

my lolo's nose

2010-09-04T04:26:00.002+08:00

now i know why they named me after my lolo.

she never fails to notice my nose - my lola lucia. my prominent nose.

it usually happens every weekend when we are gathered eating at the table. i always occupy the seat on her left so i could keep an eye on how she is eating. also i constantly check the prerequisites before she eats; from the basin of water for washing her hands to the amount of rice and viand on her plate, from the table napkin so she won't wipe her mouth on lolo's shirt to the banana for her dessert. mama tells me that she has a habit of casting scraps under the table for the cats to eat. while i find no fault in lola's way of feeding the felines, mama has her own particular method so i'm there to lessen the incident.

lola likes to watch how we eat. maybe she observes if we are chewing the food long enough before swallowing. i wanted to ask her reason for doing so but i thought there really is no reason for me to know. and as if she would answer my query. so at the time when her gaze turns to me, she would smile and point at my nose.

you have my husband's nose. she would say in her dialect.

that is why i was named after your husband. i would answer her.

more often than not, mama or her youngest sister baby is taking care of lola. it is no wonder why they also have an equal share of stories of lola doing a variety of things that get into their nerves. a lot of times mama and tita baby have reached the end of their patience. they would recollect their experiences whenever my sister and i spend the weekend at home in the province. my sister upon hearing the anecdote would squirm whereas i would approach lola and give her a hug.

why are you hugging me? are you going to get married? lola would ask me.

of course not. na-miss lang kita.

each time that i am at home in the province, i look after my lola. only a few of her grandchildren would do it. i bet most of her own children would lose their patience if they take care of her. only one person never loses patience on her. he is my lolo juan.

the stories that i have written of my lola lucia were not rooted on annoyance. i treasure them because i did not spend a lot of time with her when i was still young. now that she is eighty-three, i want to make up for the years that passed that we weren't able to visit her in bicol. though she no longer remembers my name, she still recognizes me. and every time she calls out for her husband, it's as if she is also calling for me.

so i did get my lolo's nose. more importantly, i was named after him.

images from here and here.

lost dvd and hypotheses

2010-09-02T17:26:00.004+08:00

last weekend i realized that i lost my bootleg gilmore girls' final season dvd. it was a moment of sadness for i am a fan of the show and i have a crush on alexis bledel's character, rory. the dvd had a sentimental value among other things that a typical cancerian holds very dear to his heart. i rarely buy pirated cd's, vcd's and dvd's plus the memory of that serendipitous moment when i saw the dvd copy made me sadder.

i only thought of this some billion nanoseconds ago, i do not know any other gilmore girls fans within my circle of friends. well i have a friend who is also a jessica zafra fan; another who is also an ice cream fanatic; another who also loves making stories of people passing by; another who is also delighted with eating taho; and another who also hearts anime and other cartoons. but no one is also a gilmore girls fan.

and it makes the selfish me feels like i solely own the show, unlike glee where almost everyone not only loves the show but also sings all the songs. before i forget let me congratulate the whole gleekdom for jane lynch's and director ryan murphy's win. i like glee because it is a show for students and teachers. on the other hand, i love gilmore girls because of their witty lines and very fast rate of talking.

which makes me develop a hypothesis that most if not all of my friends shy away from fast talkers. or they do not like smart women. or they do not like yale and prefer harvard. i need more hypotheses and then test them on my guinea pigs, oh i mean friends.

image from here.

bravo bazinga

2010-09-02T15:04:00.002+08:00

i would like to congratulate myself among with other geeks out there for jim parsons' win in the recently concluded 2010 emmy awards. indeed a red-letter day for geekdom! bazinga.

and do not tell anyone this sercet of mine. (of course the answers in the quiz were obvious).

take the quiz har har.

**********

sheldon: why are you crying?

penny: because i'm stupid!

sheldon: that's no reason to cry. one cries because one is sad. for example, i cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

isang pasasalamat

2010-08-31T16:57:00.001+08:00

ikaw - alebrylla, ang makatarungan.

sadyang ako'y pinagpala na maging mag-aaral sa iyong asignaturang komunikasyon 1 noong unang taon ko sa pamantasan. ikinamangha naming lahat ang iyong katungkulan. sa panahong iyon, ikaw ang direktor ng sentro ng wikang filipino. nagkamit ka ng mga parangal at gawad sa iyong pagsusulat. hindi nakakagulat na nagtapos ka ng summa cum laude noong ikaw ay nasa kolehiyo.

sariwa pa sa aking isipan ang pagdalaw naming magkakaklase sa iyong opisina kung saan ipinakita mo ang iyong disertasyon sa doktorado ng panitikang filipino. kahanga-hanga. napakahusay. isang matinik na utak sa wikang filipino.

makipagtalamitam. magbasa. magsulat. iilan lamang sa iyong mga ibinahagi sa aking murang kaisipan. isang semestre mo kaming hinimok na linagin ang aming mga natatagong dunong sa pagsusulat. buo ang iyong suporta sa iyong mga mag-aaral na lagi mong ipinahihiwatig sa iyong mga ngiti.

hindi ko malilimutan ang aking unang papel sa iyong kurso. ang panuto ay magkuwento. sa gitna ng algebra, trigonometry at kimika ay walang dumapong paksa na aking naibigang ilahad. pagkaraan ng isang linggo ay nakagawa naman ako ng isusumiteng papel. sa aking pagtantsa ay hindi ito maayos dahil sanga-sanga ang aking kuwento. hindi na gaanong mahalaga ang marka, may naipasa naman, ang sabi ko sa aking sarili.

lumipas ang ilang araw at iyong ibinalik ang aming mga gawa. ikinagulat ko ang uno at kalahati (1.5) na nakabilog sa unang pahina na nagdulot ng abot-tengang ngiti sa aking mukha. para sa isang baguhan sa pagsusulat, biyaya ang katumbas ng markang nabanggit. sa huling pahina, isinulat mo ang iyong mga puna. tumatak sa aking isipan ang mga salitang likas, kawili-wili, mahusay, magkakaugnay at magaling.

ipagpatuloy mo ang iyong pagsusulat. ang huling pangungusap sa iyong komentaryo.

ako - claevyan, ang pinagpala.

makailang ulit kong sinubukang magsulat pagkalipas ng ilang taon mapa-ingles man o bernakular. mga sulating hindi teknikal o pang-agham. ang ilahad ang mga bagay-bagay patungkol sa aking buhay, mga kuru kuro, mga pagpapahalaga at madami pang iba. napakasayang isipin na sa wakas ay natagpuan ko ang isang bahagi ng aking kakanyahan. aking masasabi na natuklasan ko ang isang kahihiligan. nagsisimula pa lamang ako at tiyak madami pang maibabahagi.

propesor, hindi mo man mabasa ang isinulat kong ito, ako pa rin ay nagpapasalamat ng lubos sa iyong mga itnuro sa akin. sinikap kong gamitin ang wikang katutubo ngayong buwan ng agosoto bilang pagkilala sa iyo na aking guro at tagapayo. muli, maraming salamat.

p.s. pagkilala sa sanggunian: unang imahe at ikalawang imahe.

oo ikaw, pakinggan mo ito

2010-08-31T03:52:00.002+08:00

alam kong may pagkakaiba ang hilig natin sa music pero pakinggan mo itong awiting ito.
sana magustuhan mo.

lucia

2010-08-31T00:33:00.000+08:00

uuwi na kami bukas.

sabay ngiti mo sa akin habang nag-eempake ka ng mga gamit. ang kaso, lagi mong sinasabi na uuwi kayo bukas ngunit lagi ring hindi natutuloy. araw-araw ka ring nag-aayos ng mga gamit subalit hanggang dito na lamang ito.

buong umaga kang nag-aayos ng mga gamit na sa tingin mo ay dadalhin niyo. kung sisilipin ko ang iyong bagahe, tiyak akong iba-iba ang laman nito. naging ugali mo na kasi ang magsilid ng kung anu-ano sa iyong bag - mga damit na hindi naman iyo, mga plastik bag na napulot mo kung saan-saan, mga biskuwit na durog na sa lalagyan, mga gamit sa banyo at kusina, atbp.

naging lost and found section na ang mga bag at kahon mo. lahat yata ng nawawalang gamit sa bahay ay matatagpuan sa iyong mga bag at kahon.

sa bandang hapon ay kakalkalin ni lolo ang iyong bagahe. ibabalik niya ang naisilid mong mga gamit sa nararapat nilang kalagyan. natatawa na lamang siya sa mga bagay-bagay na nailagay mo sa mga bag at kahon mo. pagsabihan ka man niya na hindi na kayo uuwi sa tunay niyong bahay, lalabas din naman ito sa kabila mong tenga. sigurado akong mag-eempake ka na naman bukas.

hindi ka namin kinukulit na huwag nang mag-empake. naging bahagi na kasi ito ng iyong pang-araw-araw na buhay simula noong naging ulyanin ka. aliwin man kita o bigyan ng ibang gawain, mag-aayos at mag-aayos ka pa rin kaya minsan binabantayan na lang kita tuwing mag-aayos ka ng mga gamit. natakot din siguro ako noong isang araw na nakita kitang isinisilid ang kutsilyo sa iyong bag. natutuwa ka naman kapag pinanonood kita. kinukuwentuhan mo pa ako ng kung anu-ano. sa pagtatapos ng iyong pag-aayos, yayayain na kitang kumain.

nang tanungin ako ni sis kung bakit ka laging nag-aayos ng gamit, ang naisip ko lang na dahilan ay gusto mong umuwi sa bicol kasi doon ang inyong tahanan. kung puwede nga lang pero mas mabuting dito kayo para may mag-alaga sa inyo at upang mabisita kayo ng inyong mga anak, mga apo at mga apo sa tuhod.

ayos lang sa akin na magempake ka at mag-ayos ng gamit araw-araw. sabi ko nga kina mama, mas mabuti na yung nag-eempake ka lang at hindi ka umaalis ng bahay kung walang nagbabantay sa iyo. lagi kong idinudulog sa langit na huwag iyong mangyayari.

sa tuwing nasa bahay ako, babantayan na lang kita. makikinig ako sa mga kuwento mo.

paalam saad

2010-08-27T00:14:00.002+08:00

ako ay magpapaalam na sa departamentong aking itinatag halos isang taon na ang nakararaan.

naaalala ko pa, nagsimula kami na may dalawang miyembro. ako at ang kabarkada kong laging kasama para magkape. sa pagitan ng kanyang pagngawa sa isang karir na hindi naging sila dahil nasa singapore ito at sa paginom ko ng iced blended mocha nabuo ang aming samahan. pareho kaming single at sa tantsa namin ay matagal pa kaming magiging single kaya tinawag ko itong saad - single and alone department.

mapapansing naging inspirasyon namin ang valentine's day na mas kilala sa tawag na single awareness day (sad) sa pagbigay ng pangalan sa aming departamento.

apat ang departamento sa aming barkada - desperate housewife from hell department, bicurious department, international relations department at ang saad.

minsan sa isang buwan o depende sa kung kailan libre ang lahat ay nagpupulong ang lahat ng departamento. walang nakakaalam kung gaano tumatagal ang pulong. madalas umaabot ito ng bukangliwayway.

ang desperate housewife from hell department ay binubuo ng mga miyembrong may karelasyon. tumagal na sila ng higit sa tatlong buwan sa kanilang partner. naipakilala na rin sa ibang kasapi ng barkada ang kanilang jowabels matapos ang tatlong buwang "grace period" na kailangang malampasan. sa pagpapakilala ng jowawerz sa barkada, kailangang maging handa sa mga katanungang ibabato ng mga miyembro. walang-wala ang mga katanungan sa paboritong patimpalak sa kagandahan kung ikukumpara sa mga ibabato ng mga miyembro. sa kasalukuyan ay may dalawang miyembro ang departamento. isa na dito si mulciber. kung talagang tapos na ang kanilang relasyon ay maluwag siyang tatanggapin ng saad.

ang bicurious department ay binubuo ng mga miyembrong pamintang buo. straight kung straight kumilos pero kapwa lalaki pa rin ang gusto. walang alam na gay words kaya nose bleed kung gay lingo mode ang ibang miyembro. kunyari curious pero huwag ka, umaatikabo ang sex life. isa lang ang miyembro ng departamentong ito.

ang international relations department na tinatawag din na greener pastures department ay binubuo ng mga miyembrong nasa ibang bansa. naitatag lamang ito matapos lumipad patungong london ang isa naming kabarkada. salamat sa roaming kaya nakakatext pa namin siya. makulit ang nag-iisang miyembro lalo na sa fb at ym. ang laging request niya ay kumuha kami ng pictures pag may pulong at iupload kaagad.

ang huling departamento ay ang saad. minsan sa isang linggo ay nagkikita ang mga miyembro upang kumain ng hapunan at uminom ng kape. inuupdate nila ang isa't isa sa ibang aspeto ng kanilang buhay, madalas ay tungkol sa trabaho. napupunta rin ang usapan sa huling pakikipagniig sa kama at kung may nakakadate na maaaring madevelop sa relasyon. ang tawag sa kanilang mga pulong ay single ladies' night.

kung susumahin, malalaman na anim kami sa barkada.

sa loob ng halos isang taon ay naging aktibo akong miyembro ng aming departamento. kailangan iyon dahil dalawa lang naman kami. naging masaya at kapaki-pakinabang ang aking partisipasyon sa samahan ngunit darating talaga ang panahon na lilisanin ko ito. lubos ang aking pasasalamat sa mga gabing naging saksi sa aming mga pulong at sa mga kapeng aking nainom.

napag-isip-isip ko, magiging miyembro na pala ako ng desperate housewife from hell department.

pagkilala: pinagkunan ng larawan. maraming salamat.

mulciber

2010-08-26T13:40:00.000+08:00

ilang taon na ba kayong magpartner? tatlo o apat? hindi ko na matandaan kasi base sa mga kuwento mo, para kayong switch ng ilaw - on at off.

sa pagkakatanda ko, nagkakilala kayo sa downelink. yun ang simula.

chat, text at usap --> meet-up --> kayo na --> umaatikabong sex --> third party --> fourth party --> away --> cool-off --> tumikim ng iba --> make-up sex --> kayo ulit --> third party ulit --> away --> break na daw --> make-up sex --> kayo ulit --> daming unresolved issues --> away --> break na daw talaga --> make-up sex --> kayo ulit --> ...

hindi kailangang maging mataas ang aking logical mathematical intelligence para makita ang pattern.

sa tuwing magkikita tayo, natutuwa ako na sa dami ng inyong pinagdaanan, ilang beses man kayong naghiwalay at kahit laging on-shaky-ground ang relasyon niyo, sa pagtatapos ng araw ay kayo pa rin. sa totoo lang, hindi ako nagulat nang sabihin mo na ayaw na niya sa iyo. na napagod at nagsawa na siya. na iniwan ka niya at hindi na babalik. pero hindi ko maiiwasang malungkot para sa iyo, para sa inyong dalawa.

gusto ko pa rin namang tumulong. kung puwede pa ba. kung maaayos pa. kung mapaguusapan pa. alam niyo ang mga isyu ng relasyon niyo at kung paano resolbahin ang mga ito. matagal na kayong magkasama sa iisang bahay kaya tiyak akong alam niyo na ang galaw ng bawat isa. ang pinakamahalaga, alam ng buong mundo na mahal niyo ang isa't isa.

subalit naiisip ko rin, siguro umabot na kayo sa hangganan. hindi na puwede. hindi na maaayos. wala ng dapat pagusapan.

kung kailangan niyo ng kausap, nandito lang ako. magkape tayo.

hindi kami si sheldon, slight lang

2010-08-25T20:19:00.000+08:00

ilang beses na akong tinanong ng aking mga kamag-aral noon kung paano ang sitwasyon naming magkakapatid sa bahay namin. hindi ko kaagad nakuha ang ibig nilang sabihin. naglinaw ang aking pag-iisip nung nagtanong sila kung ano ang intelligence quotient ng aking mga kapatid.

hindi naman kami mga genius eh, siguro at most ay above average ang iq namin. napakanormal naming magkakapatid. nanonood kami ng cartoons, sci-fi series, teen shows at sitcoms. naglalaro kami ng monopoly, scrabble, boggle, computer games, basketball, football at table tennis. noong uso pa ang song hits, nagkakantahan kami. nagffood trip kami pag weekends. kung anu-ano lang ang pinag-uusapan namin.

iyan ang aking isinagot.

siguro naitanong iyon ng aking mga kamag-aral sa kadahilanang sa isang pamilya kung saan ang mga kapatid mo ay may iq na hindi bababa sa 140 at mahilig sa agham, paano nga ba ang pag-uusap, ang pakikipagsalamuha, at ang dinamiko ng mga bagay-bagay sa aming tahanan?

isang weekend ay saktong kumpleto kaming magkakapatid sa bahay. katulad lang ng ibang weekend, nasa kuwarto kami at napagkasunduang manood ng downloaded na tv series. ito ang pinanood namin.

isang libo at isang tuwa naming maituturing ang palabas na ito. nakakatuwa nga namang isipin kung ganyan din kami ng aking mga kapatid. pero hindi. siguro minsan at slight lang.

espada

2010-08-25T11:27:00.001+08:00

takbo.

huwag kang hihinto. napakabilis ng pintig ng iyong puso. lumingon ka. hinahabol ka pa rin niya. napagod ka na at nagdesisyong lumaban. ibinato mo ang punyal na tumarak sa kanyang dibdib ngunit hindi siya natinag. sa kanyang paglapit, hinigpitan mo ang iyong hawak sa espadang magtatanggol sa iyong buhay. magkahalong takot at kaba ang iyong nararamdaman.

nakita mo sa kanyang mga mata na papatayin ka niya. iwinasiwas niya ang kanyang espada. ayan na, susugod na siya.

malaking tao ang iyong kalaban. nang magtama ang inyong mga sandata, nadama mo ang kanyang lakas. kung magpapatuloy ito, matatalo ka. uunahan mo na siya. sa iyong pag-ilag ay nagkaroon ng puwang na siya'y tamaan. pagkakataon mo na ito.

sa isang iglap ay nakita mo siyang tumumba. naisaksak mo ang iyong espada sa kanyang tiyan. hindi ka makapaniwala sa iyong nagawa. hindi ka pa rin sanay kumitil ng buhay. tumingin ka sa iyong paligid at nakita mong nasa isang labanan ka. ilang kaaway na rin ang iyong napatay. madugo ang iyong espada. mdami pang kalaban.

gumising ka. pawisan. ilang gabi na rin ang panaginip na ito. hindi naman siya paulit-ulit. parang isang kuwento na itinutuloy sa bawat pagtulog.

ang nakaraang buhay

2010-08-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

ako ay tumingala sa kalangitan at pinagmasdan ang mga tala. bawat kislap nila ay salitang nagpapahiwatig ng mga pangyayari sa nakaraan, kasalukuyan at hinaharap. kitang-kita ko sila kasama ng reyna luna mula sa aking kinatatayuan sa taas ng kakahuyan.

iisa ang sinasabi ng dragon at serpiyente. maging malakas at matatag. nangungusap ang malaking oso. pangalagaan ang gubat. ang payo ng alimango, gamitin ang mga elemento. nagwika ang reyna luna. panahon na upang ako ay bumalik sa bayang sinilangan.

matapos ang limang pagpapalit-mukha ni reyna luna, natapos ko rin ang aking ginuguhit na mapa. matagal din akong naglakbay. ilang bundok, ilog at kagubatan ang aking tinahak. nakipag-usap sa mga oreada at nimpa. nakipaghabulan sa mga kabayong may sungay. umawit kasama ng mga sirena. madami na rin akong naisulat sa aking talaarawan.

mas mabilis ang daan pabalik. mistulang ako'y lulan ng hangin. mararating ko ang aming bayan sa loob lamang ng ilang bukangliwayway. ngunit sa bawat takipsilim, sa paglabas ng mga tala at ni reyna luna, ipinahihiwatig nila sa akin ang maging mas matulin sa paglalakbay. ganito rin ang isinasaad sa aking panaginip.

nasa gawing kanluran na si pebo nang aking masilayan ang aking bayan. larawan ng digmaan ang aking nadatnan. sumalakay ang mga kaaway. sa kabutihang-palad, iilan lamang ang nasugatan. kaagad naihatid ng mga tagamanman sa mga tagapangalaga ang babala. naitaas ang mga pananggalang sa tamang oras.

babalik muli ang mga masasamang-loob. hindi nila kami hahayaang mamuhay sa katahimikan. sa panahon na sila'y bumalik, kasama sa pagtatanggol ng aming tahanan. at kung magkagipitan man, aking ipamamalas ang angking kakayahan sa mga elemento.

sa ngayon, ako'y magsisilbi sa mga nasugatan.

claevyan, ang pinagpala.